Fanfiction

[tallulahgs]

[Title] Letting Go
[Rating] PG for language and violence
[Pairings/Characters] Ukita, the rest of the task force, brief mentions of Raito and Soichiro and an OC
[Word Count] 2003
[Warnings] Possibly contradicts the DN canon on life after death. Unbetaed
[Notes] This was incredibly difficult to write and I'm not really happy with it, but I don't have time to fix it up :/ Anime canon. Written for and crossposted to dn_contest, prompt "Ukita" ^^



It was so pointless, that was what really got to him. Of course, he didn't know that at first. He dashed down to Sakura TV because people were dying onscreen and he wasn't just going to stand by and let it happen, what the hell kind of cop would he be if he did that? And dying in the line of duty, trying to save other people's lives, it's the sort of death you expect, it's not so bad, even though he could've done without lasting long enough to feel the heart attack.

But now he's starting to follow the plot a bit more and he wasn't even killed by the real Kira, how's that for a kick in the teeth?

He isn't haunting them. That'd be weird. Plus it makes it sound like he's only hanging around because he wants them to avenge his death or something, and he figures they're working on doing that anyway. Also, haunting makes it sound like he's constantly there, wandering the police station or the hotels Ryuzaki holed up in, and groaning, and he's not. Most of the time he's somewhere dark. Dark and vaguely stuffy and it makes him think of bars, in the summer, when you've come in out of the light and can't see anything, so maybe that's why his mind tells him he can see vague figures and smell beer. Most of the time he's there, but sometimes he isn't, sometimes he sees them, like he's daydreaming their reality.

It's the night of his death - god, it's the night of his death, he was alive (he glances at the clock on Aizawa's kitchen wall) like four hours ago and now (okay, won't think about it) -

Aizawa is sitting at the table and his face is twisted with fury and he's ignoring the cup of tea his wife made for him - heck, he's ignoring his wife altogether, she's standing there watching him as if she doesn't know who he is almost - and she says to him to say what happened and Aizawa won't even do that, like he's so angry it's twisted his throat up too. And then, just as Ukita thinks they're gonna have a fight and he's not particularly interested in watching that, he never even liked watching soap operas (oh well, no more sitting around zoning out while other people discuss the latest episode, there's always a bright side) Aizawa turns his face away and rubs a hand across his eyes and his wife's eyes widen and then she comes over and puts her arms round him, just for a second.

Aizawa is crying for him, and Ukita wants to find it embarrassing and wussy because even though he is dead it's not - it's not - (except it is a big deal, of course he is, and far away the real him is so fucking scared) - but he's... he's not grateful, it's weird to be grateful, but who else'll cry for him? His mother will, of course, but he doesn't know who else. He started going out with this girl, Hanako her name was. Is, and they'd only been dating a few weeks and she'd been bitching about how she never saw him because of the case. She won't cry. And it's not like he cares, because she wasn't the one or anything, but he's never gonna get married now and never gonna have kids, he always kind of wanted kids, not now of course but at some point. Aizawa gets up, squeezes his wife's hand for a second. Ukita closes his eyes, and when he opens them, he's back in the sort-of bar.

(And how come he's got eyes to close, anyway?)

***

He's not really aware of time. Well, that makes sense. It's like when you're asleep and time rushes away without you noticing (and on the last day of his life he complained about getting up, as if he'd have loads of time to do stuff other than lie about barely existing).

He only realises time is passing when he sees them.

He's in a hotel room. No, not a hotel, though near enough as makes no difference, and it's got that empty unlived feeling hotels have. There's a clock on the bedside table that says it's one a.m., though that doesn't mean much now to him. (Not like he has to be up early tomorrow.)

Mogi is sitting on the bed, looking as if he's trying to pretend he doesn't have to be up early. Like he's just relaxing. Mogi has never looked relaxed and now is no exception. He's just staring at the window - he hasn't closed the curtains - and the lights are turning him even paler.

Ukita wants to say to him that he has to talk because otherwise they're just going to stare at each other, except that Mogi isn't going to be staring at him because he's dead (and it's not scary now, it's just... depressing, like he knows there's nothing he can do) but just then there's a knock at the door. Mogi doesn't move for a moment - and people think he's stupid and slow but you learn he's not, he's just quiet - and something's happened, right, that must be why Ukita's here, it can't be he's just seeing random stuff, it can't -

It's the Chief.

"Still awake?"

Mogi nods.

"You should try to sleep," the Chief says, but dully, like he doesn't mean it. Ukita's always figured the Chief's entitled to say you should even though it's vaguely bugged him, and whose business is it when you sleep or not? "I know it's difficult, after something - after someone has -"

Ukita stares and waits to hear who it is, wonders if he'll get to meet up with them, whether he wants to, wonders whether he's lonely, or - or -

Mogi shrugs.

"Jumpy. I guess," he says at last. "What if..."

It's not so bad, Ukita wants to say, but maybe it is.

The Chief tries to smile. "Ryuzaki wouldn't want us to - to start second-guessing," he says.

And Ukita wants to yell Oh shit, we lost? What the hell, guys, come on, I leave you alone for five minutes or something childish like that to block out the horror that's suddenly choking him that this is it, this is all there is, stuffy darkness and flickers of other people's lives.

And he goes under again.

He stays under there for ages this time, wondering if maybe he'll just let go, if this is all just flashforwards from the pavement outside Sakura TV and if he just stops, if he just gives up, he'll die for real (and yet, and yet, this is still living, sort of, right? Even though he can't remember a bunch of stuff, like why he chose to trust L or when his birthday is or who he lost his virginity to or the room number of the Kira task force at the police station, all the little bits of things that make up a working brain -)

In the end he just gets sick of waiting.

***

"You never told me what happened to Ukita."

In a bar, but it's a real bar this time, with music and lights glinting on glasses and bottles and real conversation, not just a faint mumble that could be anything. He's standing by a table and at the table are Aizawa and Ide, drinking beer. Ukita has to think for a while to remember who Ide is. He doesn't know whether that's because Ide's not a memorable person or whether, whether (and he won't think about what happens if all his memories go) -

"I said he died." Aizawa takes a gulp of beer, stares at the bottle.

"Kira killed him, though. Right?"

"The Second Kira killed him. He ran off to Sakura TV to stop that broadcast."

Ide frowns, drinks, doesn't speak.

"Scared?" Aizawa says. "You know you can always -"

"Shut up. I'm not backing out now."

And Ukita realises he's standing there looking at his replacement. It's almost funny. Ide's the one who's never had a girlfriend and seems to have been born with a stick up his ass and always overthinks things and ran away the first time, wouldn't trust L and walked out just like everyone else. He doesn't want to be looking at his replacement. He wants it that no one could replace him. They're not even talking about him any more, they're talking about themselves, how they both must be mad to go back to the task force rather than stick with the regular police. Ukita doesn't want them to talk about themselves. He wants them to fucking remember him.

He turns and walks away. He prefers his own bar, which probably isn't a bar and becomes more formless every time he wakes up there.

***
He hasn't been back for ages. He's not... he isn't doing so much, these days.

(And there aren't days, and he knows that, but old habits die hard.)

And for a while he almost falls asleep for good and thinks that maybe that will be it, that all this will end (and perhaps he's in a coma, perhaps he didn't die, perhaps he's dying, but he knows that's not right either), but something holds him back, a faint itch, a curiosity (he doesn't want to be avenged any more, it won't change anything) to know how it turned out.

He was collateral, a just-another-victim, so he really shouldn't care that much, but he does. And so he wrenches himself out of the sleepy darkness one more time.

The sky's bright red, and the sunset's streaming through the windows of this factory or warehouse or something, catching dust, and he wonders maybe if he walks through it will anyone see him? The air smells of sawdust and blood. Two people are standing by the stairs, looking down at the third guy, who's clearly dead.

(But hasn't shown up in Ukita's bar, which suits him. It's... god, he does know the face, even though it's smeared with blood and mud and tears, it's...)

And the other two people are Matsuda and Aizawa. Aizawa looks the same as always - pissed off - although his hair's changed, and he's grown a goatee, and, and once Ukita would've had an opinion on that but... not now.

Matsuda looks... like hell doesn't mean enough.

"It's... I did it..." His voice is so hoarse he can hardly be heard.

"Stop it."

"I didn't... I should've..."

Ukita walks closer, looks more closely at the corpse. But there've been so many faces. He figures this must be Kira, right, but - so what? It's not a big deal, not like he thought it would be.

He turns back to look at Matsuda instead. Never got to know him that well. (Never got to know anyone that well, when you come to think about it.) Matsuda always kind of bugged him. Because they were both pretty young and yet Matsuda always acted young, and Ukita always worried he'd end up getting tarred with the same brush.

"Shut up," Aizawa says. "You did what you did. Besides, if you hadn't, he would've killed Near. And he wanted to kill all of us."

And who the hell is Near, anyway?

Ukita always figured Matsuda would quit or something, like after a really horrible case or a rash of all-nighters. Looks like he hasn't. Looks like he's somehow saved the day, been the hero. But he doesn't look like a hero. He looks like he's going to throw up. And Ukita suddenly doesn't want to be here any more. They're still alive, they have to deal with all this, but he's dead, and he doesn't have to.

He walks away from the red light and the blood and Matsuda's sudden shaking sobs and back into the stuffy darkness.

And this time, he doesn't wake up.

Comments

[dapperzombie.livejournal.com]

Oooo. I actually feel for anvil-head here. He didn't get any depth at all in canon, so this was a nice look into What Could Have Been ^^ Also, I really liked the copious amounts of Aizawa in here! \o/ It's been so long since I've read Death Note that I forgot how awesome he was.

[tallulahgs]

I suppose he deserves more attention than I give him ^^ I'm glad I managed to finish the damn thing, anyway!

And Aizawa is awesomesauce. You were right *nods firmly*

Thank you!