tallulahgs

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I really don't know. Well... obviously when we die, our body becomes unable to function as a fully working entity any more and so it stops (she said intelligently) ^^

What bothers me is how this would feel while it's happening. The idea that you would be aware of what it feels like to die really freaks me out. I think I would rather that once you die, you are just gone. That's it. There is no more 'you' behind the eyes, nothing else to notice. That sort of freaks me out, but I figure once it happens I wouldn't notice, so it'd be okay ^^

My concept of Heaven is a bit vague, partly because Heaven is very much (for me) associated with loving God and being with Him and I don't think I've ever felt it really. I mean, the idea of eternal bliss bothers me a bit as it suggests eternal consciousness and I'm not sure how feasible that is.

What really scares me is that I would "let go", fall into death, and then face something horrible, i.e. Hell.

I generally try and avoid thinking about this too much because it's not like there's anything much I can do about it.

***
( Quick, let's talk about books instead )

I've been rubbish as doing much writing this week, which is a pain. I've also been terribly hungry for a lot of it. We went out for lunch to commiserate my line manager leaving, and I had a whole large pizza. This rarely happens. Tomorrow there is an evening leaving do for him, which is supposed to involve curry. We'll see what happens. Today I had a 'let's make sure you're ok with everything and won't have any loose ends after I've left' meeting with him in the canteen, which was kind of sad because the first meeting I ever had with him was there too.

My LJ gets really slow when I've written this much *prods it*

Also, I could totally have a 'death' tag in my LJ, but I shy away from the effort involved in going back and tagging all relevant entries.

Current Mood: apathetic

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I never really had to hide books from my parents; my mother was allowed to read whatever she wanted as a child, and so extended the same privilege to me. Thus I ended up borrowing a bunch of books about sex from the local library and finding out about a lot of interesting concepts before I really needed to. I attribute any and all issues I have to this :D

***

[entry written on Friday afternoon, offline]

Soooo, today I completed THE PROJECT. I spent the morning beta-reading it (there was a horrible moment when I realised a bunch of tables of figures were wrong and had to be re-copied-and-pasted) (there was another horrible moment when I was given a task I'd specifically asked not to have to do that day because the bloke who was going to do it called in sick) (HE'D BETTER HAVE BEEN VERY ILL) and then I spent, like, four hours printing out ten copies. Because it is 148 pages long and contains images. But yes. I HAS FINISHED PROJECT. (Although it hasn't yet been spiral-bound. But it will be.)

I am now looking forward *touches wood* to a weekend which does not involve projects and just involves me doing a few things at some point. Tomorrow is the fancy dress party, and yes, I am going as a BR schoolgirl. I suspect my weapon may be poison, aka a bottle of Bach's rescue remedy with a skull-and-crossbones label :D

I have stupidly allowed myself to run out of inhaler and my back has been vaguely achy and wheezy all day as my lungs start doing a Tetsuo impression and yelling 'WHERE ARE MY DRUGS?' I hope to sort this out next week. *fails a bit*

( My thoughts on the Desperate Housewives season finale, and the season in general )

Okay. I go make soup and watch JDrama.

***

Last night was the fancy-dress party and I did indeed go as a Battle Royale schoolgirl. Quite a few people knew the movie, which was cool, and it was pretty fun. Didn't get home til 2 a.m., though, and woke up today with a cold. Have spent most of it lurking and sleeping and watching TV. Feel vaguely grumpy now, probably because I am getting even more tired.

Edit: the party cast list, for my own reference and for lulz ^^

The theme was good vs. evil.

Good
An angel
Sgt. Elias from the movie Platoon
Elastigirl from The Incredibles
Violet, from same
Claire Bennett from Heroes
James Bond
Horatio from CSI: Miami
Harry Potter

Evil
Jason Voorhees
Freddy Kreuger
Cruella de Vil
A devil
A pirate
The Joker from The Dark Knight, in his nurse's outfit

Somewhat confused
A jar of Marmite
A devil and an angel combined (in one costume. The angel looks like it's shagging the devil. Yes, it is as weird as it sounds)
A Battle Royale schoolgirl ^^

Also, there were good and evil cookies (some shaped like Batman logos, some shaped like Ghostbuster logos, and some with appropriate quotes on), and though I did not have a gun, the pirate let me hold hers for most of the second half of the evening :D

Current Mood: sick

So, yeah, I'm going away for a week. On business. *poses* I will have Internet, but it is intermittent and I'll probably be busy, so... have a good week everyone!

I'll update the Malory Towers BR when I'm back.

Current Mood: nervous

This has been the week of sleepiness, due to one of my housemates waking me up at 5 a.m. on two consecutive mornings, and then me electing to go and see a later-than-intended showing of Mamma Mia and not getting to bed til 11.30. It was thus not surprising I had a migraine yesterday, but I took one of the pills the doctor gave and it seemed to work surprisingly well. (Insert Tetsuo quote here.) This is a good thing.

I enjoyed Mamma Mia, though I think it works better as a musical than a movie. It was fun and silly and most of the cast were pretty good and Colin Firth has suddenly become hot again (after me swearing for years that he wasn't because he reminded me of my dad *sweatdrop*) I didn't like Dominic Cooper and Amanda Seyfreid much though - one was an annoying jerk and the other was just too fluffy and cute for my liking.

Work are sending me to a sales conference in Prague, apparently, which should be... interesting ^^ I'm going with one of the girls I eat lunch with (unfortunately, it's the one who sort of annoys me sometimes, but I figure this will either improve our friendship or destroy it, so it's pretty much win-win). It sounds like I'll be spending most of my time agreeing to send people books or saying 'I don't know the answer to that, but if you give me your contact details I'll find out and get back to you! *smilesmile*' Which I can do. I did it for my entire gap year :D

( Rambling on books )

( Book meme stolen from ecchipiro )

Chapter Six of my Akira Battle Royale is up here!

Had my first day of work experience today. It went pretty well - photocopied, answered the phone a little (totally panicking over the switchboard system ^^) and read an already-proofread manuscript to get an idea of the marks they use to mark mistakes. (It sure beats writing (Tallulah:... all over everything but sadly I don't think everyone would know what the marks mean.)

(This gets the 'work' tag despite me not being paid for it.)

Then came home and watched another Doctor Who repeat. Had forgotten how damn depressing the Dalek episode is.

Current Mood: tired

Last day of work today. Haven't really taken it in. Lots of chocolate was eaten and because it was so rainy, almost no work was done so we all sat around eating ^_^

lycoris is here. This is good. However I am wheezing and sneezing and as this happened both times I went to her house I am starting to wonder if I am allergic to her, which isn't so good.
As there are now three of us competing for the Net, updates/replies to comments/etc may be slow.

Current Mood: breathless

thebookyoucrew
*waves Harry Potter, Janet Evanovich, Akira, Staynes and Storey and Tamora Pierce triumphantly in the air*
Yeah, they're not great literature and they didn't change my life. But you know what? I don't get off on making other people feel stupid. (Most of the time, anyway.)
But I didn't go on the community and flame this time! Aren't I good?
I am so fucking tired.
Went to party for the music shop. Much live music. Enjoyable. Then realised I am complete social retard and my mood came way down. But ranting at above community has distracted me from razor-related thoughts. Yay.
I'm so stressed about the next few weeks. Little things that don't mean anything.
I'm also covered in salt because it was a garden party right next to a beach.

Nerdslut

What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

Heh, heh, heh....

I feel so lethargic... I have too many drabble suggestions and not enough ideas... period cramps SUCK more than the suckiest thing ever... the pills I got for them do work for about two hours but the first time I took them I got giggly and high (luckily I was writing a fanfic where everyone was taking speed anyway, so I hope it enhanced the realism ^_^)... I don't know if I should tell my mum about the razor blade stuff... I had my first day off sick on Monday, colds suck too... not all fanfic haters are morons, isn't that nice to know?... less than a month left at work, I am so tired of it, but it would be stupid to screw up now after a whole year...
Absolutely dreading university... I know I'm not smart enough for the course and as for the clubbing and drinking *sigh* Luckily two friends of mine, Muslim girls who don't drink either, will be at another uni very near so I'll at least know two people who I don't have to fake happy with. Everything just seems so much effort.

Current Mood: apathetic

Our manager has finally got sick of us all using the Internet at work for non-work-related stuff and passworded it. Exempt from the password are music publishers' sites, music dealers' sites, and Google.
This is because my co-worker Andy decided to look up the jobcentreplus website at work. And check out all the other retail jobs. And leave the window minimized at the bottom of the screen when he went to get a cup of tea.
Lynne then came out of the office, into the front of the shop (horrors!) and saw. Not happy. Andy reprimanded.
Andy later went back onto the website and Lynne found out.
Now we are banned from the Internet. Which means no more skateboarding websites for Andy, used DVDs and rock concert prices for Liz, hotel prices and shopping sites for Emma, and amazon.com reviews for me.
Naomi never uses the Net, and Adam looks up guitar music he might want, which he should still be able to do.
Now if we want to go onto a non-authorised site we will have to ask Lynne or Emma to put in the password for us. (Evil part of me is tempted to wait until Tuesday, when Emma won't be in, and then find a legitimate reason for going on unauthorised sites lots and lots of times so Lynne will have to keep coming out of the office to put in the password. Will probably not do this as it may result in my brutal murder.)

Other news....not much, really.

Out of interest, anyone got any books they feel like talking about that they like or hate? I like talking books and hearing what people think.

I know it sounds cheesy, but come on people, give me some support for trying to socialise.

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Depeche Mode - Shine For Me

Ahem. Think I might have caught a mild version of the flu my assistant manager had - severe headache and inability to think at all sensibly are the symptoms. Bear this in mind, people, if I have had any communication with you today, because it might explain things if I sound weird. (What do you MEAN, I always sound weird?)

Received an e-mail today about one of my Akira fics. I am stating this because I want to put the relevant comment behind an LJ cut, and last time the title of said cut was eaten. So this paragraph is to explain what the cut is about *gasp*

( Notes On Out Of The Ashes )

On another note - Gorillaz fanfic. I read a review of a Gorillaz fanfic yesterday, in which the main couple was 2D/Murdoc. I can't decide whether this pairing is just plain WRONG or whether the fic was just abysmal. I think it's mainly the latter.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Gorillaz - New Genious

Hmm...why does the print on LJ.com look smaller every time I come here?
Meh...
Anyway, having put up with a lot of baka moron stupid jerks today, I decided to let my rage out using.......a list. (Taa taaa taa taaa!)

( The Top Five Worse Customers I Have Had To Put Up With )
Aaaaah...I feel better now.

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Eliza Carthy - The Company Of Men

My manager returned from the Maldives today, brown of skin and sun-kissed of hair, jet-lagged of brain and carrying her usual 'why are you so stupid?' vibes (or maybe that's just my paranoia).
I dunno. It's just I don't actually like her...I mean, she's okay if one is having a conversation about something else which we both agree on (like she's telling me about clarinets or something). But I just feel like I've been relegated to stupid newbie status all over again. Still, as I keep telling myself, if I get fired, I don't have to go back, and if I keep the job, I get money, therefore it's a win-win situation.

In other news, I have found a book which rivals the Harry-Potter-is-spawn-of-Satan books in terms of making me combust with rage. This book is an analysis of current trends in the lesbian feminist literature market. It was truly scary to see that there are still hard-core feminists about. There are still people who believe men are a waste of space, I mean, seriously. There are people out there who feel writing a murder mystery which features a lesbian as the killer is anti-feminist and supporting patriarchy. There are people who refuse to believe a man and a woman can ever be happy together. There are people who believe that men are genetically evil and violent while women have been 'conditioned by the patriarchy' into being bitchy, cruel, bullying, etc. I therefore spent most of yesterday afternoon and this evening shouting at the book and putting my arguments against such principles into words by yelling at my mum (not at her in a rude way, more in a 'listen to this! How can they say this! Can't they see that...' way.)

I mean, yeah, there are more male rapists than women, but what about people like Rose West and Myra Hindley?
Not to mention most of these literary critics had no sense of humour. It was a similar sort of thing to arguments in the Harry Potter = Satan stuff mentioned above; things like the mandrakes being sick and disturbing for kids - here whenever a heroine makes a joke about political correctness, she's immediately lambasted by these critics as being flippant and silly.

Anyway, enough ranting...

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Eliza Carthy - Train Song

It's February 29th! If I had a boyfriend, I could propose to him! Unfortunately, I don't, so no wedding invites to versipellis's nuptials today, folks.

It is also now six months since I started working at the music store. ONLY ANOTHER SIX MONTHS TILL I CAN LEAVE! Er, me, having job issues? Heh heh...okay, let's put it this way. I have survived six months at the music store without:
- damaging any instruments (especially the scarily expensive £1000 and over ones)
- freaking out and screaming at a customer
- freaking out and screaming at my managers
- giving everyone food poisoning by not washing up adequately
- making the toilet explode by using the wrong sort of bleach to clean it
Touch wood.
I have also managed to:
- sell a saxophone to a Spanish guy who spoke two words of English (one being 'soprano' and the other being 'euro').
- unnerve people slightly when, after accidentally putting away some books a customer still wanted, I could remember what the books were and where they'd been put
- stop disliking Liz and Naomi (part-timers) as much as I used to
- turn a violin that had been strung as a viola back into a violin
- submit my UCAS university entry form and get onto a course I wanted
- finish Blood Sugar Sex Magic (except for that small matter of the two alternate endings...sigh...)
- actually go shopping, buy some clothes I really liked, and purge my wardrobe of stuff I never wear (including my brother's old hoodie)
- play an elf in the pantomime four times *jingle jingle*

Gosh, I'm wonderful.
On the other hand, my manager gets back from the Maldives next week (has been there for the past two weeks) and I still fear her. Muchly. Oh yeah: Lent resolution: I will not think-call my manager names, try and blame all my mistakes on her, or indulge in rage and anger against her, for it simply makes me bitter.

In keeping with the Lenten spirit of making peace, being godly, fasting *tries to forget the pancakes she's just indulged in* I make the following invitation (not extended to

lycoris because she's already been told):
make a comment to this post, and I'll tell you why I love you.
Happy leap year day thingy, people!

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Soul Calibur 2 theme music

Meh. Extremely tired, mainly due to having been at another rehearsal for being the elf in another pantomime.
Too many baka customers - well, no - one extremely baka cheapskate smart-mouthed sexist stupid knows-shit-about-trumpets-customer, and quite a nice guy who I was mildly humiliated in front of when the spike on a cello wouldn't extend. As we're supposed to be selling instruments with no faults, this wasn't good.
Lent starts tomorrow. I am not greeting this with unalloyed joy.
Nor did I need to come on the Net and find someone implying I am misinformed and anti-Semitic for saying I thought the Jews killed Jesus. For goodness sake, I DON'T CARE. I'm not Jewish and I don't bear a grudge towards whoever killed Jesus. He rose again, that's the point. It's no big fucking deal.
*realises this may offend some people. Apologises*
Grrrr. Tired. Grrr. That's about it really. Excuse the moaning.

Current Mood: drained

Again, I should learn to update my journal regularly so I don't have to babble everything in note form...
Saw Pirates Of The Caribbean last night. It is extremely silly - just when you think it's taking itself seriously, it acts silly again - but pretty enjoyable and Johnny Depp was very impressive and has gone way up in my estimation. (Though I still think Spike is cuter.)
On Sunday night, had a major row with my mum - still not sure exactly what it was about - and now she's away working and I don't feel like we made up properly, which is a pain. That night I got very angry and did some extremely stupid things.
I am getting very tired of the constant second-guessing my mind does. Like, when I just wrote that comment about stupid things, I thought 'that's a bit dumb, you're only writing that so they'll ask you what you did.' Then I told myself I didn't want to just blurt it out because it sounded like I was trying to make myself angsty and interesting. Then I told myself that that was a lie and I could have just not talked about the things at all. Then I went to have a lie down because I was confused ^_^;
Monday was better than I thought it would be. Have decided not to audition for a named role in The Gondoliers, which we're doing in the opera society, because I have no time and everyone else knows it better than me. I shall stay in the chorus, which is cool.
Felt kind of miserable today, mainly through Lynne telling me I did something wrong and a few baka customers. Also I got my period at about five a.m., and had cramps, which always makes me feel ratty.
Have noticed that I actually feel sadder and more trapped on my days off, presumably because I keep thinking 'tomorrow I'll be back at work'. When I'm actually at work I don't feel so bad.
I don't think I want to quit my job; well, I don't know. Another one may not be any better - it's all work - the pay's all right, and I can't motivate myself to find another job anyway. I don't know. And it might be good for me to stick with this. Only another eight month! ^_^V
One of my e-mail correspondents asked me if I could write a story without (quote) 'dragging gays into it'. I resent this as I don't feel gay people are dragged. Much. They volunteer of their own free will, right guys? It was a little surprising when I totalled up the fanfics that didn't have gay people in and found there were only about five.

Current Mood: anxious

This is what comes of not updating frequently. You end up spewing everything out at once. Oh well - potential long entry ahead...
Joy: The Harry Potter quiz loves me...

Which HP Bunny Will Bite You Next? by mctabby
Name
Favorite Vegetable
you will write	Bill Weasley
paired with	Sirius Black
your fic will involve	a midnight rendezvous
and end in	marriage

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Amazement: the animals in the animated kids' programme Don't Eat The Neighbours do not just have gay hints, they are actively and totally gay. The producers are taking the smeg here.
Gloom: I wish my manager didn't keep acting like she found me totally irritating to be around. I was thinking this as I left the shop this evening, and as I had nothing to read I spent the entire bus journey thinking about it as well. By the time I got home I was extremely down. It just feels like I don't fit in there and they just think I'm stupid and useless, and I hate feeling like that.
Okay, self-pitying bit over.
Fangirlishness (so it's not a proper emotion, so what?): Nik and I watched almost all of the original Akira movie with the original dubbing!
( Otaku-esque ramblings about Akira )
Okay, I'm done!

Current Mood: confused

*ahem* first off, everyone love and venerate

disks_smilie! For he has given me icons. The two 'doom is fun' ones are (c) him and he also drew the JGR ones. He rocks ^_^

That's the good news. The bad news is TOTAL pervert alert in the shop today!
Picture the scene. 5:10 (we close at 5:30.) My mum is hanging around cos she's going to pick me up and it's horribly wet out there, and us shop staff are bored out of our minds cos nothing's happened all day (no point opening the shop in our opinion. But I digress.)
Anyway, suddenly this guy comes in. He's asking where he can find the owner of the antique shop down the road (there's a rather confusing sign on its door about where the owner is if the shop is closed.) We tell him what we know, and Naomi (who's good at customer relations) asks him if we can help at all. He appears to notice he's in a music shop, and acts really interested in saxophones and clarinets, and asks Naomi to demonstrate one.
It's now about 5:25, and we're all like 'oh, geez, another bloody slow customer.' But we hang around. But this guy seems kind of weird. He just - didn't sound quite realistic. Like he asked stuff which suggested he knew about saxes, but claimed not to know what a clarinet was.
Emma thinks he might be a mystery shopper - a guy from the Music Retail Association, who's inspecting us. Either that, or he's a bit dodgy. So we all hang around waiting for him to leave.
My mum does leave, saying pointedly that she'd better go as we're closing, and she'll wait for me in the car.
We wait and wait and wait. He keeps asking more stuff, and saying weird things, and he'll come back Monday, he says, but doesn't want us to reserve the instrument (I figured at this point he must be a fake customer or pervert because customers always want you to reserve).
Finally he leaves (after asking us could we keep his antique coin in the till overnight. Emma, who's getting a bit stressed, says no way, we're not insured. He then says 'oh, it's only worth a few quid.' Oops, fell into a slight hole in your story there...)
Then Naomi says that while she was demonstrating the sax and the clarinet, he says - get this:
'Such sexy instruments, aren't they? All that fingering and sucking. Bit like Bill Clinton.'
We all shriek with horror, and then Emma suddenly notices the guy is still hanging around the shop. We've got the closed sign up, and he's still there, looking in the window and trying to get back in.
She yells out 'we can't let you in,' I yell out 'we're closed,' and we all dash into the back office and stay there until we're sure he's gone away.
I think it was made worse by the fact it's a very dark, wet night, and not many people are about.
Baka hentai for sure!

Current Mood: nauseated
Current Music: Spice Girls - Denying

Well, okay, I'm not that drunk, I'm just a little tipsy. Hung out with my friends at the local pub and one of them decided to buy me an apple-flavoured alcopop, which I've drunk approximately a sherry glass full of. I now feel slightly dizzy, am giggling a bit too much, and my head feels all thick and tired. I think I prefer being sober ^_^
Three days off work, which is good...only I'm stressing that it'll be spoilt by a row and I'll feel bad that I didn't get nice days off and will have to go back to work feeling bitter and despondent. Which is sort of pathetic really.

Current Mood: drunk
Current Music: Abba - I Have A Dream

Bah. Was reprimanded today for the fact that apparently yesterday I bitched about customers to my co-worker while there were people in the shop.
1) I don't think I did. I'm almost positive I didn't. When I rant, I check to make sure there's no one there. I've been told before, and I'm not that dumb.
2) Emma - Assistant Manager Emma - whispered in my ear after the altercation with the customer in question 'She's a total pain' or words to that effect. Therefore *she* started the bitching - up until then I was blaming myself because I did screw up.
Of course, I can't say any of this, because I'll look like a petty liar.
Huh.

Current Mood: infuriated
Current Music: Treason - The Teardrop Explodes

Another post about work. Stop moaning you lot, it's either work or Akira (hmmm...maybe I need a life...)
People at work:
James - only in half the time, nice enough, a little bashful/inefficient himself but a good sense of humour
Naomi - only in afternoons, nice and friendly although I don't think I'd be friends with her outside work - a bit insincere-seeming but I think that's just her manner
Amanda - seems nice enough although as she gets to work in the office all the time (with the radio, grrr) I don't see her much
Andy - wonderful because whenever I ask him any questions he's just like 'yeah, sure' and tells me without acting like I'm a ditz or looking puzzled that I don't know. He may smoke, skin up in the toilets and be detested by Liz and Emma, but at the moment he's my own personal candidate for sainthood ^_^
Emma - a nice person, but gets very stressed and when she does seems to find me a big pain. As she's the assistant manager and my superior, this may not be a good thing. Don't think I'd like to be assistant manager though. It means more work without getting to sit in an office all day.
Liz - this girl is pissing me off a little because she acts like she's got something against me and I have no clue what it is. It might just be she's decided we aren't going to be friends, or maybe it's just her manner, but...I just want to know ^_^ still, she's only in afternoons so it's no big deal.
Lynne - manager, and I keep thinking she thinks I'm dumb. I don't mean to keep asking her stuff, but I am new (arrgh, will have been here a month on Friday - does that mean I have to stop thinking I'm new and suddenly figure everything out? *panics*) Maybe I'm just being neurotic but I find Lynne really hard to read, and that's not good when she's the one who hired me.
But today was overall a good day ^_^ Hence the triumphant Digimon Kaiser icon rather than the worried-looking Kaisuke one.

Current Mood: thoughtful

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tallulahgs

March 2021

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Entries tagged with work

Writer's Block: What Next?

Forbidden reading and real life

See you in a week!

So, the week

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Allergic to penpals?

This is a stupid community

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Random babble and drat-ness

I am too tired to even consider thinking up a witty subject...

Retail sucks...

Graahh...

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low growl

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So many emotions, so little time...

Announcements and ickiness

What shall we do with the drunken Versi?...

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March 2021

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