Death Note fanfiction
Oct. 16th, 2008 09:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tallulahgs[Title] Love and War
[Fandom] Death Note
[Rating] PG for language and kissing
[Characters/Pairings] Raito/Ide, implied Aizawa/Ide, brief mention of Misa, Matsuda, Sachiko and Mogi
[Warnings] Misanthropic dislike of weddings ^^ AU, in that Misa and Raito are getting married some time during the second arc.
[Word Count] 2595
Written for and crossposted to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
dn_contest, prompt "wedding".
Ide had never been very fond of weddings.
They combined all the unpleasant elements of most parties (bad music, pointless small talk, odd and distasteful food that no one could actually want to eat) with a bunch of irritating aspects unique to weddings (crying relatives, expensive clothes, and the way in which it encouraged everyone you knew to take a good long look at your life and demand to know why there hadn't yet been a wedding there as well).
I'd just like you to find a nice girl and settle down, Hideki. I just want to see you happy.
But it wasn't as if Ide could have chosen not to attend. He barely saw anyone but Raito and the task force these days, and refusing to go to the man's wedding (when Raito would've known full well he had no real excuse not to) would just have made him look petty and unprofessional. Besides, seeing as pretty much all of his friends, acquaintances and co-workers had taken the plunge by now, he was getting used to gritting his teeth and surviving these occasions.
The sun had set, and the hotel windows were glossy black as if they'd been painted that way. But the party was showing no signs of winding down. Pounding music and half-empty wine glasses and Misa, in what seemed like her fifth dress of the day, dancing in the centre of the room, waving her arms as she sang to the music and almost falling off her high heels. Matsuda, whom Ide suspected was almost as drunk as Misa, was opposite her, trying to mimic her movements and cracking up whenever he failed. Which was often. And the rest of the room was still dotted with clumps of people drinking and chatting and smoking and having a great time. People whom Ide didn't know and didn't particularly want to talk to.
And Mogi was still getting cornered by people who'd heard he was Misa's manager and wanted the inside gossip, and Aizawa and Eriko had left hours ago because they had the get-out-of-jail-free card of kids and babysitters to be taken care of.
Oh? No wedding on the horizon for Ide, huh?
Ide had been trying really hard to at least pretend to be having fun, but if he carried on doing that now he'd have to keep drinking, and then he'd pass the line from slightly dizzy to completely plastered, and this was still a work occasion, much like everything else in his life right now. Because he wasn't having fun and the way everyone else was persisting in doing so, loudly, was starting to make him stupidly furious, and for god's sake, Misa couldn't sing when she was drunk and Matsuda couldn't sing when he was sober and if he didn't get out of here now -
And so he did.
Outside, the air was much cooler, and the music and noise were just a faint mumble from behind the dark walls of the hotel. He headed down the path, the paving stones seeming to tilt just a little under his feet. They wouldn't, of course; this was a nice hotel, no expense spared. (Although Sachiko Yagami had left soon after the ceremony, because of Raito's sister.) Aizawa's wedding reception had been at some place where the squares of carpet on the floor kept sticking to your feet and the walls were tobacco-coloured. Ide hadn't found that party much fun, either.
Not that he hadn't been happy for Aizawa, he -
And not that he had anything against Raito marrying Misa. No. He suspected he just wasn't good with weddings. He'd probably be better if people didn't keep expecting him to like them, and welcome them, and yearn for one of his own.
I just want to see my grandchildren before I die, that's not too much to ask, is it?
Huh. If he ever did get married, he was going to do it quietly. Possibly in secret. Although that'd defeat the point of it, people would still keep nagging. The path led round a corner and round a lawn, lit with white lights. The smell of wet grass, clashing unpleasantly with the too-much-wine taste in his mouth; cold wrought-iron benches at intervals in the shadows; and then, suddenly, Raito Yagami perched on one of them, legs stretched out across the path.
Ide stopped. He wasn't supposed to be out here, he was supposed to be inside celebrating. And he'd never been very good at making small talk with Raito in particular. Raito was too polished, too pleasant. Ide figured people like that were just as grumpy and small-minded as everyone else, only they lied to you, and he didn't like liars. Or maybe he didn't really figure it, maybe it was just that he was drunk. Whatever, he didn't want to talk to Raito...
... except that Raito had noticed him now, and if Ide turned and walked away that would look like he actually had a problem with the guy, which he didn't, and, not to mention Raito was supposed to be inside celebrating. Raito was supposed to be the one dancing with Misa, not abandoning her to have her feet trodden on by Matsuda. And so when Raito smiled at him and said, "Good evening," he didn't shrug and walk on, but instead came closer, and said, "Aren't you supposed to be inside?"
"It's a little noisy in there," Raito said. "Besides, I felt I was cramping Misa's style." A shrug. "I don't have her stamina, when it comes to parties."
Raito was doing that thing where he only admitted to flaws no one would mind having, but Ide had drunk enough that he could blame his usual irritation on the alcohol. (And it was cool and dark out here and there was nowhere else to go but back round the lawn and back inside and back to an empty apartment.)
It's because you've never been in love, isn't it?
He sat down on the bench next to Raito, and said, "No doubt Matsuda would say you just haven't drunk enough."
Raito laughed. "He's still dancing the night away, then?"
"Unfortunately, yes."
(And it wasn't like Ide felt any loyalty to Matsuda, or felt like he was really saying anything that cruel, but this still felt... spiteful, maybe just because it was in the dark, and secret.)
"Well... it's good to see people enjoying themselves," Raito said. He glanced over at Ide suddenly. "Are you having a good time?"
(He knew.
And he wanted to make it clear that he knew.)
"Not particularly," Ide said, in retaliation. But Raito just smiled, and said, "No, I thought you weren't. You've never struck me as a party animal."
"I'm not." And Raito could pretend he was happy, if he wanted, Ide had seen him at parties before, why this sudden attempt to make like he hated them? Ide didn't want fake sympathy, and so he said, "But it isn't my wedding." (He'd definitely drunk too much and Raito looked like he hadn't drunk at all.)
"Mm. Tell me, Ide, do you think you'll ever get married?"
"Why is that your business?"
"I'm just making conversation," Raito said, so casually. "After all, this is the happiest day of my life. I should be wanting to see everyone as joyful as I am."
And there was something different about him, there was, he was mocking, he wasn't taking any of it seriously - no, he was behaving as if someone had wronged him and he was choosing to get his own back by being spiteful...
... but Raito was never spiteful, was he?
"Yeah, except you're hiding out here instead of going back to face the music. Are you scared you made a mistake?"
(He'd said that to Aizawa too, the night before his friend had tied the knot, when they'd both been drunk, he'd said a lot of stuff about are you sure? Are you really, really sure? What if she's crazy deep down? You could be miserable for the rest of your life. And Aizawa had squinted at him and then said god, you're fucking smashed and -
- and of course Aizawa hadn't made a mistake, and Ide suspected he had only made the comment because he was tired of weddings.)
"No," Raito said, and he had turned to face Ide now, his eyes shining in the light, and perhaps he was drunk, that would certainly explain things, "No, I don't make mistakes." And then a short laugh, and, "Well, I try not to, and I'd hope I haven't made one with something this important." Trying to act like the guy he normally was, but Ide wasn't buying it, not this time, and he said, "Misa's been after you to take the plunge for a long time now, hasn't she? She cornered you at last?"
Raito leant forward, so suddenly that Ide wondered if the wine had slowed his brain down more than he realised.
"Misa..." he whispered to Ide, so close that Ide could smell his breath, and yeah, there was a slight hint of wine (and no wonder Raito normally stayed sober), "Misa has not cornered me, because Misa loves me and she'll do exactly what I say. We're deeply in love and we're going to be very, very happy together."
And Ide wanted to pull away because Raito was drunk and stupid and he himself wasn't interested in talking about Misa, wasn't really interested in scoring points off Raito, should maybe just suck it up and go home, but. But somehow wasn't, somehow was completely still, somehow, and then Raito said, leaning even closer, "Did you talk like this to Aizawa when he got married?"
It was unexpected, that was what got to Ide. The sense that Raito was just, just saying things to try and get a reaction, and as he hissed back, "What's Aizawa got to do with anything?" his voice shook, slightly. Raito laughed. He smelt of cologne and smoke. "He's your friend, that's all. If you're this bitter now, with me, how must you have been with him? God, you must have been so jealous."
(Why can't you grow up? Aizawa had said, and then, later, why are you being so damn weird? and then, much, much later, why the hell did you do that, oh god, what's wrong with you, oh god if anyone finds out - and Ide hadn't wanted to fuck things up that badly, he wasn't a psychopath, and so he'd said that it was his fault, that he'd been drunk, that Aizawa knew he had no head for alcohol, that everyone did stupid things on the eve of their wedding, and Aizawa had looked so relieved -
- and there was no way Raito could know about any of this, but -)
"That's none of your business -"
"So you were jealous."
"Just shut the hell up!" And he was this close to hitting out except you don't punch out the groom unless you expected to be marrying the bride and Raito was so fucking smug and where did he get off acting so damn superior, except he knows, he must know, but screw him, he was no different, lurking out here in the dark, he was no different -
"It must be sad," Raito whispered, so quietly Ide could almost kid himself he'd imagined it, added it in to make Raito look bad, "to be so lonely."
(Which was true)
(Except that Ide wasn't going to let Raito win with that line, because that would make it true)
(But he was drunk, and tired, and angry, and had never been very good at thinking up sarcastic remarks, and however good he was, Raito would be better, and so, and so -
- like Raito, he chose an unexpected line of attack -)
(Or maybe he was just drunk and desperate enough, but he pretended afterwards that that never occurred to him.)
He kissed Raito. And he knew it was stupid and immature and dangerous and he didn't even like Raito, especially not now, but he was too angry not to fight back and punching Raito would mean Raito had won -
And then Raito was kissing back, as viciously as Ide himself was, and his breath through his nose was coming in short, fast gasps, and somehow Ide had got one hand on Raito's shoulder, the other tangled in his shirt, and Raito's fingers were digging into his arms, and this was - this was -
(it hardly seemed real, in the dark and the dizziness it hardly seemed real)
Raito was the one who broke the kiss. Broke the kiss and shook Ide off, shuddering. His eyes were very wide now, silver in the light, making him look stupidly young (far too young to be kissed) and he was pale and he swallowed, looked sick.
"Oh, god. Oh, god, what did I - what -"
He glanced around, shaking, as if to check no one was watching.
"Ide, I - god, I'm sorry, I -"
Rubbed a hand across his mouth; stopped, as if realising that that could be interpreted as rude; drew a deep, shaking breath.
"I've had a little too much to drink," he said at last. "I think - I think I'd better go back inside. Ide, listen... this isn't... this doesn't... I'm not..."
And just like that, Ide realised he'd lost. Because now if he didn't nod and accept Raito's apology and excuse, he'd be... admitting things. Like that this had been a fight. Like that Raito had made him angry. Like that the things Raito said had been -
And you couldn't fight with someone you spent twenty hours a day with, it would be ridiculous.
And for god's sake, why was this happening anyway?
"Forget it," he said. "I've... had too much as well. There's no need to mention it to anyone."
Raito nodded, gratefully. "No. No, there... Anyway, I'd better go and find Misa, I..."
Ide watched him go. The night was too warm, and outside the music thumped. His mouth was dry.
You work too hard. Don't you think you should try and meet someone who isn't a cop once in a while?
But suddenly his apartment wasn't looking so bad.
And of course, he kept his word and kept his mouth shut, and told himself he had been drunk and that was why the memory of it all seemed so strange. But when it was suggested that Raito could be Kira, Ide realised it had to be true, even though he couldn't explain why.
[Fandom] Death Note
[Rating] PG for language and kissing
[Characters/Pairings] Raito/Ide, implied Aizawa/Ide, brief mention of Misa, Matsuda, Sachiko and Mogi
[Warnings] Misanthropic dislike of weddings ^^ AU, in that Misa and Raito are getting married some time during the second arc.
[Word Count] 2595
Written for and crossposted to
dn_contest, prompt "wedding".Ide had never been very fond of weddings.
They combined all the unpleasant elements of most parties (bad music, pointless small talk, odd and distasteful food that no one could actually want to eat) with a bunch of irritating aspects unique to weddings (crying relatives, expensive clothes, and the way in which it encouraged everyone you knew to take a good long look at your life and demand to know why there hadn't yet been a wedding there as well).
I'd just like you to find a nice girl and settle down, Hideki. I just want to see you happy.
But it wasn't as if Ide could have chosen not to attend. He barely saw anyone but Raito and the task force these days, and refusing to go to the man's wedding (when Raito would've known full well he had no real excuse not to) would just have made him look petty and unprofessional. Besides, seeing as pretty much all of his friends, acquaintances and co-workers had taken the plunge by now, he was getting used to gritting his teeth and surviving these occasions.
The sun had set, and the hotel windows were glossy black as if they'd been painted that way. But the party was showing no signs of winding down. Pounding music and half-empty wine glasses and Misa, in what seemed like her fifth dress of the day, dancing in the centre of the room, waving her arms as she sang to the music and almost falling off her high heels. Matsuda, whom Ide suspected was almost as drunk as Misa, was opposite her, trying to mimic her movements and cracking up whenever he failed. Which was often. And the rest of the room was still dotted with clumps of people drinking and chatting and smoking and having a great time. People whom Ide didn't know and didn't particularly want to talk to.
And Mogi was still getting cornered by people who'd heard he was Misa's manager and wanted the inside gossip, and Aizawa and Eriko had left hours ago because they had the get-out-of-jail-free card of kids and babysitters to be taken care of.
Oh? No wedding on the horizon for Ide, huh?
Ide had been trying really hard to at least pretend to be having fun, but if he carried on doing that now he'd have to keep drinking, and then he'd pass the line from slightly dizzy to completely plastered, and this was still a work occasion, much like everything else in his life right now. Because he wasn't having fun and the way everyone else was persisting in doing so, loudly, was starting to make him stupidly furious, and for god's sake, Misa couldn't sing when she was drunk and Matsuda couldn't sing when he was sober and if he didn't get out of here now -
And so he did.
Outside, the air was much cooler, and the music and noise were just a faint mumble from behind the dark walls of the hotel. He headed down the path, the paving stones seeming to tilt just a little under his feet. They wouldn't, of course; this was a nice hotel, no expense spared. (Although Sachiko Yagami had left soon after the ceremony, because of Raito's sister.) Aizawa's wedding reception had been at some place where the squares of carpet on the floor kept sticking to your feet and the walls were tobacco-coloured. Ide hadn't found that party much fun, either.
Not that he hadn't been happy for Aizawa, he -
And not that he had anything against Raito marrying Misa. No. He suspected he just wasn't good with weddings. He'd probably be better if people didn't keep expecting him to like them, and welcome them, and yearn for one of his own.
I just want to see my grandchildren before I die, that's not too much to ask, is it?
Huh. If he ever did get married, he was going to do it quietly. Possibly in secret. Although that'd defeat the point of it, people would still keep nagging. The path led round a corner and round a lawn, lit with white lights. The smell of wet grass, clashing unpleasantly with the too-much-wine taste in his mouth; cold wrought-iron benches at intervals in the shadows; and then, suddenly, Raito Yagami perched on one of them, legs stretched out across the path.
Ide stopped. He wasn't supposed to be out here, he was supposed to be inside celebrating. And he'd never been very good at making small talk with Raito in particular. Raito was too polished, too pleasant. Ide figured people like that were just as grumpy and small-minded as everyone else, only they lied to you, and he didn't like liars. Or maybe he didn't really figure it, maybe it was just that he was drunk. Whatever, he didn't want to talk to Raito...
... except that Raito had noticed him now, and if Ide turned and walked away that would look like he actually had a problem with the guy, which he didn't, and, not to mention Raito was supposed to be inside celebrating. Raito was supposed to be the one dancing with Misa, not abandoning her to have her feet trodden on by Matsuda. And so when Raito smiled at him and said, "Good evening," he didn't shrug and walk on, but instead came closer, and said, "Aren't you supposed to be inside?"
"It's a little noisy in there," Raito said. "Besides, I felt I was cramping Misa's style." A shrug. "I don't have her stamina, when it comes to parties."
Raito was doing that thing where he only admitted to flaws no one would mind having, but Ide had drunk enough that he could blame his usual irritation on the alcohol. (And it was cool and dark out here and there was nowhere else to go but back round the lawn and back inside and back to an empty apartment.)
It's because you've never been in love, isn't it?
He sat down on the bench next to Raito, and said, "No doubt Matsuda would say you just haven't drunk enough."
Raito laughed. "He's still dancing the night away, then?"
"Unfortunately, yes."
(And it wasn't like Ide felt any loyalty to Matsuda, or felt like he was really saying anything that cruel, but this still felt... spiteful, maybe just because it was in the dark, and secret.)
"Well... it's good to see people enjoying themselves," Raito said. He glanced over at Ide suddenly. "Are you having a good time?"
(He knew.
And he wanted to make it clear that he knew.)
"Not particularly," Ide said, in retaliation. But Raito just smiled, and said, "No, I thought you weren't. You've never struck me as a party animal."
"I'm not." And Raito could pretend he was happy, if he wanted, Ide had seen him at parties before, why this sudden attempt to make like he hated them? Ide didn't want fake sympathy, and so he said, "But it isn't my wedding." (He'd definitely drunk too much and Raito looked like he hadn't drunk at all.)
"Mm. Tell me, Ide, do you think you'll ever get married?"
"Why is that your business?"
"I'm just making conversation," Raito said, so casually. "After all, this is the happiest day of my life. I should be wanting to see everyone as joyful as I am."
And there was something different about him, there was, he was mocking, he wasn't taking any of it seriously - no, he was behaving as if someone had wronged him and he was choosing to get his own back by being spiteful...
... but Raito was never spiteful, was he?
"Yeah, except you're hiding out here instead of going back to face the music. Are you scared you made a mistake?"
(He'd said that to Aizawa too, the night before his friend had tied the knot, when they'd both been drunk, he'd said a lot of stuff about are you sure? Are you really, really sure? What if she's crazy deep down? You could be miserable for the rest of your life. And Aizawa had squinted at him and then said god, you're fucking smashed and -
- and of course Aizawa hadn't made a mistake, and Ide suspected he had only made the comment because he was tired of weddings.)
"No," Raito said, and he had turned to face Ide now, his eyes shining in the light, and perhaps he was drunk, that would certainly explain things, "No, I don't make mistakes." And then a short laugh, and, "Well, I try not to, and I'd hope I haven't made one with something this important." Trying to act like the guy he normally was, but Ide wasn't buying it, not this time, and he said, "Misa's been after you to take the plunge for a long time now, hasn't she? She cornered you at last?"
Raito leant forward, so suddenly that Ide wondered if the wine had slowed his brain down more than he realised.
"Misa..." he whispered to Ide, so close that Ide could smell his breath, and yeah, there was a slight hint of wine (and no wonder Raito normally stayed sober), "Misa has not cornered me, because Misa loves me and she'll do exactly what I say. We're deeply in love and we're going to be very, very happy together."
And Ide wanted to pull away because Raito was drunk and stupid and he himself wasn't interested in talking about Misa, wasn't really interested in scoring points off Raito, should maybe just suck it up and go home, but. But somehow wasn't, somehow was completely still, somehow, and then Raito said, leaning even closer, "Did you talk like this to Aizawa when he got married?"
It was unexpected, that was what got to Ide. The sense that Raito was just, just saying things to try and get a reaction, and as he hissed back, "What's Aizawa got to do with anything?" his voice shook, slightly. Raito laughed. He smelt of cologne and smoke. "He's your friend, that's all. If you're this bitter now, with me, how must you have been with him? God, you must have been so jealous."
(Why can't you grow up? Aizawa had said, and then, later, why are you being so damn weird? and then, much, much later, why the hell did you do that, oh god, what's wrong with you, oh god if anyone finds out - and Ide hadn't wanted to fuck things up that badly, he wasn't a psychopath, and so he'd said that it was his fault, that he'd been drunk, that Aizawa knew he had no head for alcohol, that everyone did stupid things on the eve of their wedding, and Aizawa had looked so relieved -
- and there was no way Raito could know about any of this, but -)
"That's none of your business -"
"So you were jealous."
"Just shut the hell up!" And he was this close to hitting out except you don't punch out the groom unless you expected to be marrying the bride and Raito was so fucking smug and where did he get off acting so damn superior, except he knows, he must know, but screw him, he was no different, lurking out here in the dark, he was no different -
"It must be sad," Raito whispered, so quietly Ide could almost kid himself he'd imagined it, added it in to make Raito look bad, "to be so lonely."
(Which was true)
(Except that Ide wasn't going to let Raito win with that line, because that would make it true)
(But he was drunk, and tired, and angry, and had never been very good at thinking up sarcastic remarks, and however good he was, Raito would be better, and so, and so -
- like Raito, he chose an unexpected line of attack -)
(Or maybe he was just drunk and desperate enough, but he pretended afterwards that that never occurred to him.)
He kissed Raito. And he knew it was stupid and immature and dangerous and he didn't even like Raito, especially not now, but he was too angry not to fight back and punching Raito would mean Raito had won -
And then Raito was kissing back, as viciously as Ide himself was, and his breath through his nose was coming in short, fast gasps, and somehow Ide had got one hand on Raito's shoulder, the other tangled in his shirt, and Raito's fingers were digging into his arms, and this was - this was -
(it hardly seemed real, in the dark and the dizziness it hardly seemed real)
Raito was the one who broke the kiss. Broke the kiss and shook Ide off, shuddering. His eyes were very wide now, silver in the light, making him look stupidly young (far too young to be kissed) and he was pale and he swallowed, looked sick.
"Oh, god. Oh, god, what did I - what -"
He glanced around, shaking, as if to check no one was watching.
"Ide, I - god, I'm sorry, I -"
Rubbed a hand across his mouth; stopped, as if realising that that could be interpreted as rude; drew a deep, shaking breath.
"I've had a little too much to drink," he said at last. "I think - I think I'd better go back inside. Ide, listen... this isn't... this doesn't... I'm not..."
And just like that, Ide realised he'd lost. Because now if he didn't nod and accept Raito's apology and excuse, he'd be... admitting things. Like that this had been a fight. Like that Raito had made him angry. Like that the things Raito said had been -
And you couldn't fight with someone you spent twenty hours a day with, it would be ridiculous.
And for god's sake, why was this happening anyway?
"Forget it," he said. "I've... had too much as well. There's no need to mention it to anyone."
Raito nodded, gratefully. "No. No, there... Anyway, I'd better go and find Misa, I..."
Ide watched him go. The night was too warm, and outside the music thumped. His mouth was dry.
You work too hard. Don't you think you should try and meet someone who isn't a cop once in a while?
But suddenly his apartment wasn't looking so bad.
And of course, he kept his word and kept his mouth shut, and told himself he had been drunk and that was why the memory of it all seemed so strange. But when it was suggested that Raito could be Kira, Ide realised it had to be true, even though he couldn't explain why.
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no subject
Date: 2008-10-18 04:23 pm (UTC)I could really empathize with Ide's wedding-misery; I don't like going to them because they're big and loud and you have to interact with people and everyone expects fantastic and wonderful things from you but you're really only just there because of family and blah. So my heart goes out to him.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-19 07:01 pm (UTC)Heh heh! I thought you might be able to :D I was channelling me at my most grumpy and asocial and I know we can empathise with each other to some extent with this!
Thank you very much for your comment!