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tallulahgs[Title] Broken Hallelujahs
[Rating] PG-13 (slightly above that language-wise)
[Fandom] Death Note
[Story Summary] AU. Neither Raito nor Near's victory went as planned. Now the task force and the SPK are on the run with Kira's notebook and all the power of the new world against them.
Chapter 4 is another relatively short chapter in which people manage to find a bit of hope of escape. Whether this will come to anything remains to be seen.
Nightfall has not helped Gevanni's tiredness. While it was still light, he'd managed to coast on being so tired he felt more alert than ever, but now he knows it's only a matter of time before his body's going to force him into actually sleeping, no matter how much he doesn't want it to.
Mikami has spent the preceding hours huddled in the passenger seat, staring numbly out of the window. Gevanni tried speaking to him a few times, but Mikami didn't seem even to hear. Which makes Gevanni even less keen to fall asleep in front of him.
He's thinking if he heads for rural areas, he might be able to park the car somewhere isolated and sleep there for the night. That doesn't solve the problems of Mikami and hypothermia, but it's the best idea he's got right now. Which is yet another reason he wishes he could sleep. All he can think of to do is run, wait to be hunted down, and that pisses him off (but in a faraway, dazed sense, because he's too tired for anger by now). Still, he can turn off the freeway, start heading down darker, narrower roads, it's a start, it's an objective at least -
"Gevanni-san."
Mikami's voice is flat and very quiet. Gevanni tries to make himself sound awake and calm as he says, "Yes?"
"May we stop by the roadside for a second? I need..." He trails off, hunching his shoulders a bit.
"Oh - sure." Fair request. It could be that Mikami's going to try and make a break for it, but it isn't as if Gevanni can refuse to halt the car ever. Besides, it would have made more sense to flee in a place where there were other people, information - not on the side of an anonymous road in the dark. If I shot you here, there'd be no one to help you. On the other hand, it isn't as if Mikami is in the most rational frame of mind right now.
They pull over, park in a layby. Mikami clambers out of the car, walks over to the bushes nearby. Gevanni gets out as well, relishing the chance to stretch his legs and get the smell of the car out of his nose. Every so often traffic rushes past, strobe-lighting them with headlights. Like that's all there is, endless driving on endless roads until you forget whose side you're meant to be on. God, he needs more sleep. Mikami is walking back to him now. Headlights. The man's face is drawn and sallow, eyes staring dully ahead, coverings of his wound the same yellow as his skin in the lights. "Gevanni-san. May... a little longer?"
"Okay."
On the side of the road it feels very empty, like they're in a place that's not joined on to the rest of reality. Cars rush by every so often, but it's hard to believe there's anyone in them, that they're not just part of the scenery. Gevanni takes a deep breath of chilly, fume-filled air, makes himself feel the frosty ground under his feet, hear the rustles in the grass. He is on a freeway in Japan and the entire country is looking for him and he needs to stay focused. Hey, his parents, Louise's kids, they'll probably have heard about what's going on, right? They'll recognise his name. You screw this up, he tells himself, you'll be dead, just like she is, you don't get immunity because you're the hero or whatever, you will be dead, how many agents have already been wiped out in this case? And it's not like Kira will give a damn about wiping out all someone's kids - He's trying to scare himself because if he gets scared he'll get angry and then he'll make himself do things, make himself cope -
Mikami has wandered over to the edge of the verge, stands watching the road. Hiss of another approaching car. Gevanni wonders, too late already, if his passenger's going to try and alert the driver, if -
Mikami is diving forward, a cut-out shadow in the headlights.
Shit!
Gevanni is running over frozen ground, and the darkness is thick like soup as he struggles through it, and the car's brakes screech -
He grabs Mikami's arm, wrenches him off the road, sending them both falling to the ground. The car rushes past them, the beep of the horn fading away as it vanishes.
Beneath him, Mikami is trembling, and his breath is coming in fast, harsh gasps. Gevanni picks himself up, keeping a grip on the other man, and snaps, "What the hell did you think you were doing? You could've been killed!"
Mikami is in darkness now but his voice is shaking with rage and misery, "Why didn't you let me? Why could you not just leave me alone?"
"Oh, I'm so sorry I tried to prevent you getting hit by a speeding car! For god's sake!" Gevanni can feel his hands trembling and the cold air seems to stick in his chest. "I'm not a sociopath, I - for god's sake -"
"Forgive me," Mikami chokes out, "I should have warned you, I - it would have made things easier for you. I don't... I don't understand why - why didn't you just let me do it?"
Gevanni thinks he gets it now. There aren't many reasons why someone as methodical as Mikami would do something so reckless.
"Shall we go back to the car?" he says, as gently as he can manage. "Then you can explain to me. I don't quite get it, at the moment."
"You'll listen?"
"Of course I will." He gets up, helps Mikami to his feet. The cold is gnawing at his hands now. "We've got time."
Back in the car, he puts on the overhead light. Mikami is staring numbly ahead, eyes wide, lips drawn back from his teeth a little.
"Were you trying to hurt yourself?" Gevanni says.
Mikami doesn't answer.
"Were you doing what you thought was right?"
"Of course I was. I was doing what was right." Mikami shivers suddenly, wraps his arms around himself. "Whichever way I look I cannot - and if I trusted a false god then I deserve to die." His hand goes to the dressings on his throat. "If I felt strongly enough to do this before, then I must have... I must have done something terrible. I wouldn't choose to die unless I knew that by remaining alive, I was only benefiting the evildoers."
"But what makes you think that you're doing that now?"
"I don't know what is right any more," Mikami says, blankly. "I think you're lying to me, Gevanni-san, but I don't know how or why. The chance of making a mistake is too great, do you see? The best way to do right is to die."
"Why do you think that? Mikami-san, you -"
"To aid a false god is to prevent the return of the true one," Mikami says impatiently. "If I make the wrong choice... and I can't... right now, I can't trust myself not to."
Gevanni swallows.
"How do you know that this isn't a choice your god has presented to you himself?" he says. "He... he could want you to redeem yourself. Surely someone as - as aware of right and wrong as you are is more useful as a devotee."
"Then what should I do?" Mikami actually smiles a little. "You tell me that to contact Takada-san and offer my help to her would be the wrong choice, but you are forcing me to remain with you. You've told me I can trust you, but I have no more proof of your righteousness than Takada's. You -" He swallows, his face growing blank again. "You have told me you count me as a friend, that you know I will make the right choice. I don't think you... I don't think you realise how much of a temptation that is. I - I must not let sentiment stop me from serving God."
(It was a necessary lie)
Except that it wasn't, not totally, this entire situation wasn't necessary. Gevanni never set out to play mind games, it wasn't revenge of any sort, he just - gambled -
"I don't think you will -" he begins, but Mikami cuts in, "No, please don't consider me less of a sinner than I am. I should trust Takada-san. I have spoken to her on many occasions. I know her well. I do not remember ever talking to you before we left the hospital. But you talk to me as if you... as if you are concerned for me. You swear that you like my company." His voice is very quiet now. "I couldn't give that up. That's why it is better for me to die."
Gevanni hears himself blurt out, "But that's not -" and then he just stops. For god's sake, Mikami has killed hundreds of people, tried to kill Gevanni, aided in killing Near, but Gevanni never intended to drive him to suicide. It's not revenge, it could never be revenge, but he still wouldn't want questions afterwards - comments, suspicions, veiled mentions of his bereavement -
"If you want to help," Mikami says, "why don't you tell me the truth?"
Gevanni stares at him, his sleep-deprived mind racing, trying to come up with a plausible cover story. Perhaps it is just the lack of sleep, perhaps it's that he can't think of something which wouldn't prevent Mikami making an escape at the next available opportunity, perhaps it's that the lying's leaving a bad taste in his mouth, but instead, he says, "All right."
Mikami's face doesn't change, but Gevanni can see him tensing, just a little, and there's no way this can end well, but damn it, if Mikami would rather die than travel with a liar - Gevanni is supposed to be sticking close to Mikami, that's how it goes -
"The person you went to meet in the warehouse was Kira," Gevanni says. "You allied yourself with the real deal. But Kira isn't your god."
"Yes, he is."
"No. Kira is a human and he's flawed and when it came to the crucial moment, he failed you. He failed you and he failed himself and we were going to arrest him when Takada's people showed up. You tried to kill yourself because you knew he wasn't your god."
Mikami is silent for a few seconds. Then, swallowing, he stammers: "I don't... I don't believe you."
"I didn't think you would, but this time it really is the -"
"No! Kira is punishing the wicked and he can strike them down, he knows who should be punished and he cuts through them like - everyone who should die does, how can he not be God?"
"Let me finish!" Gevanni hears himself yell it, his voice loud and stupid in the darkness of the car, and he's trembling like he wants to hit out. Mikami goes still, stares at him.
"If - if he's your god, how come he let you get arrested? How come he had to run away? He was bleeding everywhere, he completely lost it - do you remember that? How come you tried to kill yourself? You wouldn't do that while there was any chance of still serving God, you know you wouldn't, so what made you take that step?"
"I don't... I don't remember." Mikami shudders. "Why don't I remember? If what you're saying is true, why don't I know it's true as well? What's wrong with me?" His hoarse, broken voice is getting louder, and he's shaking. That loss of control helps Gevanni get a grip on his own thoughts, and he forces himself to think logically. (You can't give him too much information.) It isn't as if he wants Mikami finding out about weapons that can be used to judge the wicked. But on the other hand, maybe it's best to give the impression he's passing on significant amounts of information, that he's finally stopped lying.
Not to mention, if by some stroke of luck he gets out of this alive, that will probably mean Mikami being held accountable for the murders he's committed. You could argue there's a moral duty to start laying the groundwork for this.
Or perhaps it just is that, in his current state, he doesn't think he'll be able to keep the details of a lie straight for very long.
"What did you do to me?" Mikami yells at him.
"I didn't do anything! Look - as I understand it, Kira got in touch with you because he saw you at a Sakura TV rally. He wanted you to act as a decoy for him, take the blame for his acts, and he knew that you believed he was God, that you wouldn't kick up a fuss. He passed on responsibility for judging criminals to you."
"I - I judged the wicked?" Mikami gasps.
"You murdered hundreds of people, yes." Gevanni squints at him through the darkness, hoping to see a sign of repentance, horror; even just apprehension. But of course, there's nothing. Mikami is still trembling a little, but Gevanni can just make out a smile on his face.
"I was... I was God's hand... struck them down... I judged..."
"No! You were manipulated by a psychopath who wanted to set himself up as a god!"
"Prove it!" Mikami yells back. "You hated Kira, you admitted it! Kira asked me to help him and gave me the power to judge. Nothing you've told me makes me doubt him so far!"
"All right, how about this, then? You'd come there to kill me and everyone else involved in looking for Kira." Gevanni doesn't care about holding back information now; he's just sick of Mikami's blind, ridiculous loyalty. "You tried to kill all of us, and you know what? It didn't work. The power failed you because we'd got there first. We'd planted a fake weapon instead of the real one you needed. You stood there waiting for us all to die and nothing happened and neither Kira nor you could do anything. Then we arrested you, we took the weapon off you and handcuffed you and your god didn't do a thing to stop us."
"That - that proves nothing! All it shows is that you're a sinner and a, a criminal and you have been all along! And it - it can't be true, anyway. I would have remembered something so - like that!"
"It's true," Gevanni says, "because of the weapons the two of you had been using to kill. We took them off you and we destroyed the one you'd owned. A side-effect of that is that the owner loses all memory of ever having had the thing and everything connected with it. Seeing as you've been using it to kill for weeks, it's not surprising your memory's full of gaps."
He expects Mikami to disregard such a crazy story, but he doesn't; he seems to calm a bit, nods: "Oh. Oh, yes... of course, then you could not be detected by the evil ones... of course it would be set up that way." Then, nervously: "Can I... will the memories come back?"
"No, I don't think so. As I understand it, you'd get the memories back if you got the weapon back, but it's destroyed, so... so they're gone for good."
Mikami goes very quiet. Gevanni takes the opportunity to start the car again, pull back onto the road. He's calming down now, the anger replaced by the usual post-shouting-match emotions; embarrassment, faint suspicion that perhaps you aren't entirely in the right. Still, things can't get much worse, can they? Well, they can, but Mikami hasn't trusted him an inch since they met, so no real harm's been done. Except for Mikami trying to throw himself under a car. Oh, hell.
"Yes, I lied to you," he carries on. "We never spoke before all this started. I was following you to keep tabs on you, and then when Takada broadcast my details I needed to keep you with me."
"Why?" Mikami is pale and he's picking at the dressings on his throat, but his voice is quiet again.
Gevanni shrugs. "I didn't want you talking to hospital staff about things you did remember. Or to Kira. He'd only make you trust him again, after all. Not to mention he'd -" He stops. No need to tell Mikami about the Eye deal. "You're a resource we don't want him to have."
"But now you have me to guard," Mikami says. "You haven't stopped to sleep because you're scared of what I might do to you. I've been mentioned on the news, and with - with this -" Shadows shift as he indicates his wound. "People will recognise me, and then they'll capture you."
Gevanni doesn't bother answering.
"Are you scared I'll tell Kira where you are?" Mikami carries on. He sounds tired, and hopeless, and like someone discussing a puzzle they don't really care about. "But you just keep running, at the moment, and you haven't told me where you're going. You could stop now and let me out, and then you could keep going on your own."
Gevanni snorts. "Is that what you want? To get dumped on the side of a freeway in the dark? Not to mention it's freezing out there."
"I'm not... I'm not making a request so much as I'm trying to understand why you're insisting on keeping me with you."
"I told you, because I want to keep you away from Kira!"
"But why is that worth so much trouble to you? What would I do that means you have to risk this? I... I have no power to judge anyone at the moment."
Gevanni can't think what to say. He's pretty sure spelling out you're a murderer and need to face justice isn't going to help the atmosphere. But Mikami is already continuing, "I... I want to know why I am here. And - and what you're going to... I mean, when this is over..."
"It may not end up being over. If they hunt us down, I'll be dead and you'll get to go back to your god and throw your life away for him again."
"And if that doesn't happen?" Mikami says coldly. "If you destroy Kira and the world returns to the sinful mess it always was? Then what happens to me?"
Gevanni stares ahead. The road feels almost like it's moving on its own, like him and the car aren't doing anything. Mikami's not stupid. Hell, the guy is a top-class lawyer. He knows as well as Gevanni does that there's no way the crimes he's supposed to have committed can be brought to trial. Gevanni tells himself there isn't any need to spell it out, but a small, bitter voice at the back of his mind says, it's not like any of his victims got a fair trial either, is it? I know that better than anyone -
"I don't understand what you want from me, Gevanni-san."
So you're just doing this for revenge? Even though it's making things harder for you?
"I don't want anything from you." He sounds defensive. "I'm keeping someone I know has murdered a large number of people in custody and stopping him getting in touch with the guy who's trying to kill me. The fact that you saw the bastard for what he was and you decided you'd rather die than keep helping him is irrelevant, mainly because I know you don't believe me." He wonders if that even was the reason for Mikami's suicide attempt; the guy could've just chosen to act as a distraction in a typically extreme way. But it's not like anyone's ever going to know the truth of that. "Look... if I end up surviving this, I'll do my best to help you. If you flee now, my colleagues and the Japanese task force will assume you're still on Kira's side."
"Why would you assume I'm not?"
"Because he isn't your god." Gevanni tries to sound sincere rather than frustrated. It's not easy. He feels almost like he's talking into darkness, like the darkness is absorbing his words and there's no one else listening at all.
"So you've said."
"Look -" If this doesn't work he isn't sure what he's going to do, and he doesn't know why he's so desperate to stop Mikami returning, he's forgetting already what he was originally thinking - just - if I wanted revenge, I'd let him go back - Yagami will take his lifespan for the Eyes and then probably stick him in the firing line when it suits - "If Kira's your god, Kira will triumph, right?"
"Yes."
"So, if you remain here with me, and he triumphs, that proves it. Then I'll be dead and you can go back and pledge loyalty to him and all that... and all that stuff. If you remain here with me and he isn't your god, then you've avoided making the same mistake twice, becoming a - a follower of a false god. And I'll know I can stick up for you, I can explain to people how you just wanted to do good and were lied to. Whereas if you go back, aren't you risking a hell of a lot more if he turns out to be false?"
A long pause.
At last Mikami says, "You will let me listen to everything Kiyomi Takada says. Anything on the news."
"Yes."
"If I realise Kira is the true god and I should return, you will let me go."
"I - all right. I won't take you back, but... but I won't stop you leaving."
"You won't tell me more lies."
"I'll do my best not to."
Mikami nods. "Then I'll remain with you while I... while I still... need to think." His hand brushes his throat again.
"Swear by your god."
"What?"
"Swear by your god you'll remain with me while you're unsure," Gevanni says, feeling as if he's wrenching the words out of a deep black pit inside himself. "And - and that you won't hurt me or kill me, or yourself. And that you won't contact anyone else, or take control of our journey while I'm asleep. I want to keep out of Takada's way. If - if you want to leave, you can go. You can walk away and neither of us will... I mean, it's a truce."
Mikami is silent for even longer this time, and Gevanni wonders if he's pushed him too far, but at last the other man says, "I swear. I swear in God's name."
"Thank you. I..." And he fully intends to carry on talking, but when he looks into his mind to see what words are there, there's nothing. And when he comes back to reality, Mikami is talking, he is saying, "Gevanni-san, you need to stop and sleep. You have to."
"I'll... I will." Shit, did he just doze off for a few seconds? The shock of that makes him jittery, slightly more awake - awake enough at any rate to pull off the freeway, park on a deserted stretch of road. Stop. His hands are trembling a little.
"I can remain in this seat," Mikami says. "I have things I want to think about."
Gevanni nods, takes the keys out of the ignition, crosses round to the back seats. Stuffing the keys into an inside pocket, he does his best to run through anything he needs to keep hold of, keep an eye on. He probably forgets something, but in the end, when he's sprawled out on the seats, breathing in the smell of upholstery, feeling as if he's sliding slowly backwards into the dark, he can feel the keys and his gun digging into his ribs, comforting in their awkwardness. His last conscious thought is to wonder why Mikami didn't elicit a promise from him to be let go if Kira lets him down.
ooo
Matsuda is back at home. He went back home because he realised he forgot his phone, and he needs it because otherwise they'll find him. He thought he'd be able to sneak in on the subway in the middle of the day but when he gets to his apartment block, the woman from the ground floor apartment is there, and she starts shouting at him because he didn't tidy up before he went away. He tries to explain that he had to go in a hurry but she just keeps yelling at him that he's just no good, he's just lazy, until he yells back at her to shut up, and shoves out at her. And then everyone else is coming out of their apartments and horrified at what he did and he tries to explain but then he remembered he was supposed to be sneaking in, and it's no good, everyone's seen him, someone will call NHN and just like that, he's ruined everything -
And somehow the terror tears open a gap in the world and he's lying flat, he's, he's opening his eyes, and the room is dark and still. It was a dream. The room is dark and still and next to him, half-over him, breath tickling his neck, is Ide, breathing slow and rough.
Matsuda feels his heart still pounding, quick and loud in his ears, and feels almost as if it should be waking Ide it's beating so fiercely.
It was a dream, you idiot. Nothing to worry about - everything's okay - really -
Except that they are on the run and he will be killed if anyone recognises him and he did proposition a male colleague last night and made himself look so stupid that he shrivels up inside a little just thinking about it now. Thought he was the experienced one, the, let's say it, the cool one, had always enjoyed how Ide could never make him feel really small because there was always romance as a comeback - and what happens now? Can't get anything right, look so desperate -
Except that Ide had gone with it, in the end. Matsuda almost wishes he hadn't because now, if anyone else ever finds out, it won't just be all I was drunk and kissed him but I was just really confused, it'll be I made out with him and got off on it and he let me just because he felt sorry for me. Of course maybe it wasn't just that. Maybe Ide was more scared about what had happened before that, about them almost writing down Raito's name, and wasn't able to think properly, had been shocked enough not to have the energy to pretend he didn't like making out with guys. But no one is ever, ever going to know about them almost writing down Raito's name, so it doesn't help.
Matsuda turns his head, spots by the time on the TV that it's about five a.m. Normally he welcomes extra hours in bed, in the warm, but, but he can tell he's not going to go back to sleep now, his thoughts are pacing up and down and he feels kind of sick and kind of hungry and generally too aware of reality. If Ide were awake then...
If Ide were awake then they'd have to talk to each other. Yeah.
It seems a little desperate, right? Even for you?
Shut up, Matsuda thinks at him, give it a rest, you weren't any better, you liked it as much as I did and - he was just scared and tired and sick of thinking about Raito hating him and so, so sick about what they nearly did -
Why is it bothering you? his mind is whispering. If Ide wrote it down, we'd all be safe, we could go home - it's the only way out, you know it is -
Matsuda hears himself breathe in sharply like he's just stubbed his toe and is trying not to yell. He's not going to think like that. He's just not. Aizawa said, if they write down Raito or Takada's names they'll be just like them. So that's it. They're going to do the right thing and... so something will help them out, if you do the right thing then you get to go home...
Except that he knows how stupid that is. He knows how childish he's being. And he has an awful feeling that really, there are only two options. Kill Raito, or give themselves up. And - and he can't -
He can't think about this any more. He sits up, tries to ease himself away without disturbing Ide. He thinks he's got away with it when suddenly Ide shifts, rolls over a bit. Matsuda jumps, but Ide doesn't scowl at him or even seem bothered by where he is, he only mumbles, voice dry and far away, "What time is it?"
"Five a.m. I'm going to - go get some fresh air, okay? I'll come back - wake you in an hour -"
Ide mutters something that might be Sure, and pulls the covers over himself again. Matsuda dresses in the dark, trying not to walk into anything, and steps out into the corridor. The lights are on, as they've been all night. It makes him feel weird, like perhaps it is still last night and he'll run into himself and Ide walking back upstairs, before everything suddenly got even worse.
A sudden blow of anger at himself, like someone's hit him in the throat. How can you fuck up this badly? Just for a moment, then it goes. He swallows, and hurries on down the stairs. The building's silent, just the hum of heating. Like people breathing. Like the entire place is full of sleepers and it's just him out here and he's actually safe for once. He knows that's a stupid thing to think, he knows you should never assume anything is safe, but it would be so good to believe it. It isn't like he knows what he'd even do if someone did suddenly appear and accuse him of being who he is.
He's downstairs now. No one on duty. The dining room is locked and empty, floodlight from outside falling on bare tables. The air's chilly down here, so it's probably even colder outside. Not to mention he'll look suspicious standing around in a car park doing nothing. There's a battered red sofa in the corner, a table with an ashtray and some newspapers, and he sits down and then he sees the computer terminal and the sign for Internet access.
It's something normal to do, plus it's something that the other two would think was a waste of time. And so he walks over to it and switches it on. The monitor is big and all white plastic - it reminds him of computers at college, or at his first job. That's comforting, too.
He starts off by checking the news sites, figuring if he doesn't do it first then it'll just feel worse when he finally gets up the guts. NHN is still filled with appeals and photographs of Kiyomi Takada looking concerned, and of Aizawa's wife crying in the NHN studios. The other sites are careful, trying not to say anything anti-Kira about what's going on. Many are carrying news of murders and armed robberies and vandalism, and at one point Matsuda finds himself looking at a graph demonstrating the sharp rise in crime since 28th January.
It isn't like what they're doing now is even helping people. All it's doing is saving the lives of a bunch of criminals whose lives don't deserve to be saved, isn't that it? Matsuda knows as well as anyone that when you do the wrong thing, you usually know it's wrong because everyone is mad with you and you're in a hell of a lot of trouble. Raito is smarter than any of the task force, and L and Mello and Near were just all obsessed with wanting to win. Raito is doing what he thinks is best, and Matsuda knows the guy is crazy but... how do we know we're - how do we know we're not meant to be -
Raito is screaming, clutching his bleeding hand with white-knuckled fingers, pain tightening his face, and the smell of blood and smoke sticks in Matsuda's throat. Kira is righteous! Kira is needed!
Matsuda wonders what would have happened if he had done what Raito said, turned round and shot at the SPK, at Aizawa and Ide and Mogi, at Near. They'd probably have shot back. Either way, he'd end up dead. And he wasn't going to think about that. Raito was trying to kill Near, that's a definite, and would have killed everyone else too. And killing people is wrong. That's the point. And you can't start asking questions like this now, not in a hotel foyer even if there is nobody else here, the point is that stuff is how it is now and you just have to deal with it, you just have to cope.
All at once, he'd rather be back upstairs having to talk to Ide about what they did last night.
He makes himself breathe out, slowly, and, clammy-handed, he navigates away from the reputable news pages and over to the biggest Kira-supporter site. You get a lot of lunatics posting there, and reading through usually reassures him that he's made the right choice after all. Well, sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't - he reads horrible posts in which someone describes cleanly and simply what someone did to them and how Kira squashed that someone out of existence and Matsuda always thinks well, you would, wouldn't you, someone who did that, people like that, who don't care, they don't deserve to live -
At the moment, of course, there isn't much of that. All the most recent posts are, tangentially or explicitly, about him. On one thread, people are sharing sightings, which makes him jump so that the chair creaks, but when he reads through it looks like no one's actually picked up on them. A lot of people are still looking out for four Japanese and two Americans travelling together, or are posting about people they know who have similar names, or are claiming to have spotted Hal Lidner on her own, probably because she's the only one with a confirmed identity. And there are probably loads of message boards like this, loads of people trying to come up with something to say. It's practically impossible that anyone would pick up on the truth, even if they were spotted. But there are calls for hotel staff and motorway toll station operators and railway workers to come forward and speak out and keep their eyes open. Matsuda finds himself glancing around the shadowed lobby, looking for someone watching, someone working out why he's looking at the things he is. Of course, there's no one there, but he still feels like someone's standing just behind him, just out of his line of sight.
He carries on browsing, trying to think of this as objective observation, police information-gathering. The site is so well-known as the place for Kira supporters that there's constant trolling, argument, and rambling rants from people on one or the other side of the issue. Right now even most of that is about him. Hey, I'm famous at last! Except it's not actually that funny. He keeps scrolling down, and now he's just skim-reading, only vaguely registering the constant repetition of his own name sitting in the middle of a list, as if people are trying to kill him by writing it down wherever they can - they know it, everyone knows it -
And then suddenly not. His surname, but Matsuda followed not by Touta but by Akihiro. His father's name. The commenter is one of the religious nutcases going on about the sins of the parents being visited upon the children, but they've left a link to a newspaper article. Matsuda clicks. It's just another summary of the situation. Except that in the second-to-last paragraph, there's something else. Akihiro Matsuda, father of one of the fugitives... They're going on about how he's in the NPA too, making it sound like this is suspicious on several levels, like the entire organisation is corrupt or something. Matsuda pictures his dad reading this sort of stuff, knowing that people are talking about him, spreading rumours, and he's about to hit the back button until he sees the quote ending the paragraph.
"I am concerned for my son's safety. I cannot comment on what he is said to have done, but I think he is at grave risk of being attacked by vigilantes, rather than receiving a fair trial as is his right as a Japanese citizen. Takada-san should be ashamed of her attempts to whip this country into hysteria, and I sincerely doubt Kira would want us to descend into mob violence.
"I believe that the police do not have a moral duty to hunt for these people until they have been fully appraised of their crime. To my knowledge, this has not been done."
The families of the other accused were not available for comment.
Matsuda stares and stares and rereads until his eyes ache. He may have said to Ide that he thought Dad would be pleased at being proved right about the dangers of the Kira case, but that was kind of a joke; he knows Dad will in fact be furious at how much his younger son has messed up this time and how he could have avoided this if he'd only listened and been a bit more mature... They'd gone past actually talking about the Kira case and Matsuda's involvement in it by this point. Dad had called him at New Year's, ostensibly to send good wishes, but when those good wishes are given in the form hopefully this year you'll be a bit more sensible and try thinking ahead for a change you know what they really mean. Matsuda likes New Year's normally and he didn't see why he had to put up with Dad trying to ruin it for him, even if he was spending it working, so he dared to reply Hey, I'm hoping I'll be a hero by June! You shouldn't be so quick to write me off, you'll want a share in my glory when the time comes. He knew it would piss Dad off and it did; his father had snapped at him you really don't have a clue about real life, do you? For god's sake - and then rung off, as though he'd been about to say something even more grumpy.
And okay, in private Dad is still probably grumpy and will be all you idiot, how could you let this happen, but he's said to a bunch of reporters that he thinks this is wrong and hasn't even said once that it's Matsuda's own fault he's in this much trouble. And Raito knows Dad's name and face, has always known it, and it's obviously stupid to speak out on the record against Kira and Takada and Dad doesn't do stupid stuff, that's my area, and, and damn it, he can't break down now, not here -
All at once, he's actually tired. He closes the windows, shuts down the computer again.
The next hour or so passes in a sleepy blur of cold water and dawn light and black coffee. When they're in the car, Ide's driving; Aizawa, still looking exhausted, is slumped in the front passenger seat. Matsuda tells himself that he doesn't care, that he'll get to stretch out and sleep in the back. Suddenly he wishes he had said something to Ide about last night, even just we were real idiots, huh? But Ide had looked tired too and they'd both been busy getting ready and then they'd met up with Aizawa and the opportunity had been lost.
They've been on the road for about half an hour when at last Aizawa sighs and says to Ide, "You checked the news?"
"Didn't get time."
"I did," Matsuda says, trying to keep the satisfaction out of his voice. "I went online."
Aizawa snorts, like Internet-based news doesn't count, but Ide just says, "And?"
"And - and the NPA aren't... they haven't joined in with Takada yet. We're still okay for now." Not that their situation is okay by any stretch of the imagination, but it sounds better to put it that way.
Ide nods, glances at him in the mirror. Matsuda doesn't want to wait to see him blush or look awkward or just look away, so he turns his head at once, looks out at the banks of wet grass. His heart's pounding again.
"Some police officers are getting attacked," he says, scrambling for another piece of pertinent information, not wanting Aizawa to notice an awkward silence. "Like, Kira supporters who think the NPA should be doing more. Even traffic cops and stuff have been getting trouble."
"They'll give in soon." Aizawa's staring out of the window at the bleached-grey sky. "Takada's made accusations, after all."
Matsuda remembers what his dad said, thinks of a fair trial, and, swallowing, makes himself ask, "You think they'll just... hand us over to -"
"What else are they going to do?" Ide says. "There's clearly something going on. And you know what they're like when it comes to Kira. Protocol gets... reshaped, to do what's necessary. The only reason they haven't acted yet is that Kira's held off on killing the top brass."
Silence. Matsuda wants to ask the other two what it would take for them to give in; how bad the threats to family need to get. Or if Raito manages to catch up, says he'll kill us if... But then he thinks that that last one doesn't matter. He'll kill them whatever happens. They all know too much, right? There isn't any point in expecting him to be merciful. He needs them dead, and suddenly the smell of the car and the roar of the engine and the feel of the sweat on Matsuda's palms are all swallowed up by the realisation that he's going to be killed -
"The only thing keeping us alive," Aizawa is saying, dull, quiet, "is that we know where the notebook is and he doesn't. That's all."
Shut up, Matsuda wants to yell, just shut up, like Aizawa's exaggerating or just trying to annoy him. Of course, he doesn't. He stares down at his feet, at his scuffed shoes and the lid of a coffee cup next to them. It seems so wrong that there's a world which happily sells you coffee and simultaneously stands back and lets you get killed. He doesn't know why this should be such a surprise to him, but somehow it is.
They stop at a service station an hour or so later. Aizawa gets out without looking at either of them, slams the car door behind him hard. Ide doesn't move.
"You should stretch your legs while you can," he says to Matsuda.
"So should you."
Ide shrugs, and at last he climbs out of the car, and they stand leaning against it. They don't walk anywhere; there's nowhere but the station forecourt and surrounding patches of muddy ground. Their breath clouds in the air. Matsuda remembers being a little kid and pretending to smoke on cold days.
Ide is frowning, but as Matsuda looks at him he glances over as well, and they both look away. Matsuda can still remember how it felt, what they did, what they sounded like, and he understands, now, why getting friendly with people you work with is supposed to be a bad idea. People you've seen being snappy because they're stuck on a report, or asleep and snoring on a sofa, or just - just not caring what you think of them - you can't look at them the same afterwards. You can't act the same. Although with everything going to hell, perhaps he wouldn't be acting the same anyway.
It doesn't matter. It's not going to go any further, that's what Ide said to begin with. It just happened and that's it, because they were scared. Now Matsuda's going to be braver, and so there won't be any more need to do something so stupid.
"Maybe the police won't give in," he says.
"We're not exactly acting like people who've got nothing to hide," Ide says. "And even if we told the police everything, it'd probably only get us killed faster."
"It might -" Matsuda swallows. "Some reporter spoke to my dad. They quoted him and everything."
"Oh, yeah? What did he say?"
"He said he thought Takada was being irresponsible. And... and I should get a fair trial." Matsuda tries to grin, but it doesn't seem funny any more.
"Still thinks you've done something wrong, though."
"Well, NHN keeps calling me a criminal - anyone would wonder, right?" Matsuda wraps his arms round himself; the air's clammy. "But - I mean, my dad's pretty traditional. If he thinks there's something dodgy about all this, then maybe other people would too. Other police officials, anyway. The Chief wouldn't - wouldn't have -"
"What are you trying to say?" Ide says, but he speaks sharply, like he thinks Matsuda's actually come up with something.
"I don't - I don't know. Maybe, just... just - I mean, Raito doesn't want people to know about the notebook either, I bet. He doesn't want people to know that he needs a particular object to kill. I don't know, I just mean maybe we could... if we found a payphone, then we could..."
Ask for help, he wants to say, but doesn't.
"It's risky," Ide says. "If we get in contact with someone and they've set up a trace..."
"But if we call Dad at work, then there's no way he'll have let NHN do that. The police aren't involved yet, so - I mean, if there was someone we could trust, then -" Matsuda is suddenly desperate to try, they don't have to kill anyone, they don't have to die, it could all end -
"We'll ask Aizawa," Ide says. "It's his call too."
"I... yeah."
Silence again. Matsuda can feel the air waiting for one of them to change the subject. To say look, about last night. But he's not going to be the one to do it. For one thing, he doesn't know what he'd say.
"Why did you feel the need to go on the Internet at five a.m., anyway?" Ide asks.
"I didn't... I just... I just wanted to see what people were saying. Like... people online."
"People online don't tend to say much worth listening to, in my experience."
"I know, but you... get an idea of what people are thinking. And - and it tells you more than the TV does." Matsuda's fingers are cold now. He curls his hands into fists, stares down at the grimy patches of frost on the ground. And all at once he's hearing himself saying chirpily I'll never betray you, Raito, and Raito just listened and stupid, so stupid, why do you always want people to -
Aizawa returns with three cups of coffee and a faintly truculent expression. Ide explains Matsuda's suggestion - Matsuda wishes he'd presented it as his own idea, but Aizawa doesn't immediately shoot it down, he just frowns, and then, as they climb back into the car, he says, "It's risky."
"Anything we do is risky," Ide says. "But if they trace us to this place, we can, I don't know, we can change our route. We're not aiming for anywhere."
"You think your father would see our point of view?"
Matsuda swallows. "Well... it sounds like he sort of does at the moment." He doesn't say if he decides we are criminals, he's not going to turn a blind eye. It's still better than most of the alternatives. Of getting caught. Or of using the notebook.
"You'd better be sure," Aizawa says. "You're the one who knows him best. If it all goes to hell -"
"I don't think it will. I don't."
Ide glances at him, but doesn't say anything.
"All right, then," Aizawa says. "Go ahead."
There's a payphone not far away, round the side of the service station building. Matsuda goes there alone - he can see Ide and Aizawa glancing at him from the car. If he got found out, could he run back there in time? Would they even wait, or would they just speed out of there? Aizawa and Mogi are the ones who know where the notebook was hidden, they're the ones who really need to keep moving -
His fingers are so cold it's hard to feel the numbers as he dials. He memorised a few key phone numbers a while back, because he was bored of all the games on his mobile and he was trying to think like a secret agent. The phone smells of sweaty metal, like coins in your hand. There's a metal shade round it, and the forecourt's pretty empty - the few people who are out are hurrying, not wanting to stay in the chilly air - but even so, if someone stood close to him they'd hear everything.
Well, I'm just going to have to sound not suspicious, then, aren't I?
As it rings he thinks about how funny it will be if no one answers, how he'll make a joke and the other two will snap at him, how -
"Akihiro Matsuda speaking."
Matsuda's mouth goes dry. There's no one around; the last driver slams his car door and starts the engine.
He swallows, and manages to say, "It's - it's me. Touta." Stares round at the tarmac, the soggy crisp packets in the long grass, the oil stains. If he sees someone running towards him - just drop the phone and run - but what if it's a mistake, what if he gives himself away for no reason -
"You -" A deep breath, then, very quietly, his dad says, "Are you all right? What's going on? What the hell did you do?"
"I didn't - I'm sorry - " Matsuda takes a deep breath. "I can explain. I saw they'd quoted you, in the news I mean, and I thought -"
"I want you to tell me what you've done."
Matsuda remembers similar conversations in his childhood, when he'd been caught drawing on the walls or fighting with his brother. He never dared try and bluff it out and lie, or if he did, Dad always worked out that he was lying. This isn't a lie, so it should be easier, right?
"We were trying to arrest Kira," he whispers, turning as well so that people can't see what he's saying. "It went wrong. Taki - Takada helped him escape. We managed to... to get hold of the thing that he uses to kill with. We hid it and... and he and Takada want it back."
Silence. On the other side of the forecourt, Ide and Aizawa are still watching; it's too far away to see their expressions.
"You're in a lot of trouble," his dad says at last.
"Yeah, I know."
"Where - no, you don't need to answer that. Why did you call me?"
"I... if, if they get the police involved then... then things will be really bad, right? You'll know who we are. You can track us more and everything. I wanted... I wanted to let you know we haven't - we haven't committed any crime. The - we're trying to stop people being killed. We don't have a choice." That makes him sound like he knew all along what he was getting into, that he's being heroic, willingly accepting the situation. It's completely not how he feels, but Dad probably knows that. And of course it doesn't take into account how he and Ide nearly wrote down a name last night, but they didn't, so it doesn't matter, does it?
A sigh. "You certainly don't now." Matsuda waits for the I knew this would happen, you should have listened to me, but it doesn't come. Neither, though, does don't worry, I'll sort this out.
"Do you know why the NPA haven't -" he begins. "I mean, are they -"
"As far as I know, no one's been given enough information that means they should act. A lot of people are assuming that if your faces are released to NHN, Kira will kill you. That doesn't sit well with - some people."
"I'm not asking you to help," Matsuda says. He sounds grumpy, but he knows what he really means is I'm scared, I didn't mean to let you down, but it wasn't my fault, please, help us - "I just - we thought people ought to know. I wanted you to know."
"I can't promise anything," Dad says. "But the NPA want information. They won't want to knowingly cause the deaths of innocent employees. I - I'll do what I can, you understand?" Which won't be much and Matsuda feels so stupid that he thought anyone would be able to do anything about this. (But why can't they? This isn't right, so why can't it be fixed?)
"You know I only have your story to go on," his father continues, "but NHN haven't given us anything better. I'll make sure people are aware of that -"
"It was NHN who kidnapped that girl!" Matsuda says, and wants to bite his tongue for not mentioning it earlier. "Takada did it to try and get Aizawa to give himself up. Can't you use that? That's actually a crime -" He tries to calm down, sound at least a little bit competent. "I mean..."
"I can't just accuse the country's primary broadcasting service and home of Kira's spokeswoman of kidnapping, no, if that's what you mean," Dad snaps. "But I can see what investigations are being made into the girl's disappearance. Point out, if necessary, whose culpability might be suggested."
Matsuda swallows. "Yeah. I know. Sorry. I... I'm not saying you have to... to do stuff just because I'm family. But... but we didn't do anything wrong." He tries to sound like he's confident about this, but his voice cracks a little. He's not at all sure that he hasn't done anything wrong. "I should... I should go, okay? Thanks for... thanks."
He's about to hang up, but Dad has already started speaking again: "Take care of yourself. And - thank you for calling. I've been concerned."
And that's it. There's no how could you be so stupid or this is all your fault or you should have listened to me. Matsuda makes himself say, "Right. Bye," like he's grown-up and normal and then he quickly ends the call before he does something embarrassing like starts crying or begging Dad to make everything okay or... or just something. Scurrying back to the car, the wind ruffling his hair and freezing the back of his throat, gives him a chance to get a grip, and by the time he's scrambling into the vehicle again he may not feel normal but he probably looks it, at least.
"Well?" Aizawa asks.
"He says... he says he'll do what he can." Matsuda stares down at his hands, breathes in the warmer air, which seems to taste of the inside of his mouth by now. "I think... I think he believed we hadn't done anything bad. That helps." He didn't say it was my fault. Part of him is ridiculously happy about that, relieved as if it genuinely was his biggest fear. But then the smart side of his brain knows what it really means. That this isn't about anything he's done on his own. That it's bigger than that. And that it's definitely not something a parent can fix.
"You know," Ide says to Aizawa, "perhaps we should try making some calls ourselves. We both know there are people who aren't pro-Kira even if they're not coming out and saying it."
"Yeah, but they're definitely not going to want to come out and say it now," Aizawa says. "I think we should drive on. Then we can see if that call's brought anyone down on our heads."
After a few seconds, Ide nods, starts the car again. Matsuda stares out of the window as the service station slips away.
One of the other numbers he memorised was Raito's. That'll still be in his phone, just lined up with his friends and family and colleagues and everyone.
Someone who hates you this much, someone who tried to kill you, someone you shot, shouldn't just have had their number in your phone like everything's normal. You shouldn't be able to call them. And you definitely shouldn't be thinking that maybe, if you just talk to them, if you just explain and say how sorry you are, they'll forgive you. You have to keep hating them and you have to know that they're beyond being able to do any good. But right now, Matsuda can't summon up enough anger to manage that. He is, all at once, just scared.
[Chapter 4 on Fanfiction.net]
[Chapter 4 on skyehawke.com[
[Rating] PG-13 (slightly above that language-wise)
[Fandom] Death Note
[Story Summary] AU. Neither Raito nor Near's victory went as planned. Now the task force and the SPK are on the run with Kira's notebook and all the power of the new world against them.
Chapter 4 is another relatively short chapter in which people manage to find a bit of hope of escape. Whether this will come to anything remains to be seen.
Nightfall has not helped Gevanni's tiredness. While it was still light, he'd managed to coast on being so tired he felt more alert than ever, but now he knows it's only a matter of time before his body's going to force him into actually sleeping, no matter how much he doesn't want it to.
Mikami has spent the preceding hours huddled in the passenger seat, staring numbly out of the window. Gevanni tried speaking to him a few times, but Mikami didn't seem even to hear. Which makes Gevanni even less keen to fall asleep in front of him.
He's thinking if he heads for rural areas, he might be able to park the car somewhere isolated and sleep there for the night. That doesn't solve the problems of Mikami and hypothermia, but it's the best idea he's got right now. Which is yet another reason he wishes he could sleep. All he can think of to do is run, wait to be hunted down, and that pisses him off (but in a faraway, dazed sense, because he's too tired for anger by now). Still, he can turn off the freeway, start heading down darker, narrower roads, it's a start, it's an objective at least -
"Gevanni-san."
Mikami's voice is flat and very quiet. Gevanni tries to make himself sound awake and calm as he says, "Yes?"
"May we stop by the roadside for a second? I need..." He trails off, hunching his shoulders a bit.
"Oh - sure." Fair request. It could be that Mikami's going to try and make a break for it, but it isn't as if Gevanni can refuse to halt the car ever. Besides, it would have made more sense to flee in a place where there were other people, information - not on the side of an anonymous road in the dark. If I shot you here, there'd be no one to help you. On the other hand, it isn't as if Mikami is in the most rational frame of mind right now.
They pull over, park in a layby. Mikami clambers out of the car, walks over to the bushes nearby. Gevanni gets out as well, relishing the chance to stretch his legs and get the smell of the car out of his nose. Every so often traffic rushes past, strobe-lighting them with headlights. Like that's all there is, endless driving on endless roads until you forget whose side you're meant to be on. God, he needs more sleep. Mikami is walking back to him now. Headlights. The man's face is drawn and sallow, eyes staring dully ahead, coverings of his wound the same yellow as his skin in the lights. "Gevanni-san. May... a little longer?"
"Okay."
On the side of the road it feels very empty, like they're in a place that's not joined on to the rest of reality. Cars rush by every so often, but it's hard to believe there's anyone in them, that they're not just part of the scenery. Gevanni takes a deep breath of chilly, fume-filled air, makes himself feel the frosty ground under his feet, hear the rustles in the grass. He is on a freeway in Japan and the entire country is looking for him and he needs to stay focused. Hey, his parents, Louise's kids, they'll probably have heard about what's going on, right? They'll recognise his name. You screw this up, he tells himself, you'll be dead, just like she is, you don't get immunity because you're the hero or whatever, you will be dead, how many agents have already been wiped out in this case? And it's not like Kira will give a damn about wiping out all someone's kids - He's trying to scare himself because if he gets scared he'll get angry and then he'll make himself do things, make himself cope -
Mikami has wandered over to the edge of the verge, stands watching the road. Hiss of another approaching car. Gevanni wonders, too late already, if his passenger's going to try and alert the driver, if -
Mikami is diving forward, a cut-out shadow in the headlights.
Shit!
Gevanni is running over frozen ground, and the darkness is thick like soup as he struggles through it, and the car's brakes screech -
He grabs Mikami's arm, wrenches him off the road, sending them both falling to the ground. The car rushes past them, the beep of the horn fading away as it vanishes.
Beneath him, Mikami is trembling, and his breath is coming in fast, harsh gasps. Gevanni picks himself up, keeping a grip on the other man, and snaps, "What the hell did you think you were doing? You could've been killed!"
Mikami is in darkness now but his voice is shaking with rage and misery, "Why didn't you let me? Why could you not just leave me alone?"
"Oh, I'm so sorry I tried to prevent you getting hit by a speeding car! For god's sake!" Gevanni can feel his hands trembling and the cold air seems to stick in his chest. "I'm not a sociopath, I - for god's sake -"
"Forgive me," Mikami chokes out, "I should have warned you, I - it would have made things easier for you. I don't... I don't understand why - why didn't you just let me do it?"
Gevanni thinks he gets it now. There aren't many reasons why someone as methodical as Mikami would do something so reckless.
"Shall we go back to the car?" he says, as gently as he can manage. "Then you can explain to me. I don't quite get it, at the moment."
"You'll listen?"
"Of course I will." He gets up, helps Mikami to his feet. The cold is gnawing at his hands now. "We've got time."
Back in the car, he puts on the overhead light. Mikami is staring numbly ahead, eyes wide, lips drawn back from his teeth a little.
"Were you trying to hurt yourself?" Gevanni says.
Mikami doesn't answer.
"Were you doing what you thought was right?"
"Of course I was. I was doing what was right." Mikami shivers suddenly, wraps his arms around himself. "Whichever way I look I cannot - and if I trusted a false god then I deserve to die." His hand goes to the dressings on his throat. "If I felt strongly enough to do this before, then I must have... I must have done something terrible. I wouldn't choose to die unless I knew that by remaining alive, I was only benefiting the evildoers."
"But what makes you think that you're doing that now?"
"I don't know what is right any more," Mikami says, blankly. "I think you're lying to me, Gevanni-san, but I don't know how or why. The chance of making a mistake is too great, do you see? The best way to do right is to die."
"Why do you think that? Mikami-san, you -"
"To aid a false god is to prevent the return of the true one," Mikami says impatiently. "If I make the wrong choice... and I can't... right now, I can't trust myself not to."
Gevanni swallows.
"How do you know that this isn't a choice your god has presented to you himself?" he says. "He... he could want you to redeem yourself. Surely someone as - as aware of right and wrong as you are is more useful as a devotee."
"Then what should I do?" Mikami actually smiles a little. "You tell me that to contact Takada-san and offer my help to her would be the wrong choice, but you are forcing me to remain with you. You've told me I can trust you, but I have no more proof of your righteousness than Takada's. You -" He swallows, his face growing blank again. "You have told me you count me as a friend, that you know I will make the right choice. I don't think you... I don't think you realise how much of a temptation that is. I - I must not let sentiment stop me from serving God."
(It was a necessary lie)
Except that it wasn't, not totally, this entire situation wasn't necessary. Gevanni never set out to play mind games, it wasn't revenge of any sort, he just - gambled -
"I don't think you will -" he begins, but Mikami cuts in, "No, please don't consider me less of a sinner than I am. I should trust Takada-san. I have spoken to her on many occasions. I know her well. I do not remember ever talking to you before we left the hospital. But you talk to me as if you... as if you are concerned for me. You swear that you like my company." His voice is very quiet now. "I couldn't give that up. That's why it is better for me to die."
Gevanni hears himself blurt out, "But that's not -" and then he just stops. For god's sake, Mikami has killed hundreds of people, tried to kill Gevanni, aided in killing Near, but Gevanni never intended to drive him to suicide. It's not revenge, it could never be revenge, but he still wouldn't want questions afterwards - comments, suspicions, veiled mentions of his bereavement -
"If you want to help," Mikami says, "why don't you tell me the truth?"
Gevanni stares at him, his sleep-deprived mind racing, trying to come up with a plausible cover story. Perhaps it is just the lack of sleep, perhaps it's that he can't think of something which wouldn't prevent Mikami making an escape at the next available opportunity, perhaps it's that the lying's leaving a bad taste in his mouth, but instead, he says, "All right."
Mikami's face doesn't change, but Gevanni can see him tensing, just a little, and there's no way this can end well, but damn it, if Mikami would rather die than travel with a liar - Gevanni is supposed to be sticking close to Mikami, that's how it goes -
"The person you went to meet in the warehouse was Kira," Gevanni says. "You allied yourself with the real deal. But Kira isn't your god."
"Yes, he is."
"No. Kira is a human and he's flawed and when it came to the crucial moment, he failed you. He failed you and he failed himself and we were going to arrest him when Takada's people showed up. You tried to kill yourself because you knew he wasn't your god."
Mikami is silent for a few seconds. Then, swallowing, he stammers: "I don't... I don't believe you."
"I didn't think you would, but this time it really is the -"
"No! Kira is punishing the wicked and he can strike them down, he knows who should be punished and he cuts through them like - everyone who should die does, how can he not be God?"
"Let me finish!" Gevanni hears himself yell it, his voice loud and stupid in the darkness of the car, and he's trembling like he wants to hit out. Mikami goes still, stares at him.
"If - if he's your god, how come he let you get arrested? How come he had to run away? He was bleeding everywhere, he completely lost it - do you remember that? How come you tried to kill yourself? You wouldn't do that while there was any chance of still serving God, you know you wouldn't, so what made you take that step?"
"I don't... I don't remember." Mikami shudders. "Why don't I remember? If what you're saying is true, why don't I know it's true as well? What's wrong with me?" His hoarse, broken voice is getting louder, and he's shaking. That loss of control helps Gevanni get a grip on his own thoughts, and he forces himself to think logically. (You can't give him too much information.) It isn't as if he wants Mikami finding out about weapons that can be used to judge the wicked. But on the other hand, maybe it's best to give the impression he's passing on significant amounts of information, that he's finally stopped lying.
Not to mention, if by some stroke of luck he gets out of this alive, that will probably mean Mikami being held accountable for the murders he's committed. You could argue there's a moral duty to start laying the groundwork for this.
Or perhaps it just is that, in his current state, he doesn't think he'll be able to keep the details of a lie straight for very long.
"What did you do to me?" Mikami yells at him.
"I didn't do anything! Look - as I understand it, Kira got in touch with you because he saw you at a Sakura TV rally. He wanted you to act as a decoy for him, take the blame for his acts, and he knew that you believed he was God, that you wouldn't kick up a fuss. He passed on responsibility for judging criminals to you."
"I - I judged the wicked?" Mikami gasps.
"You murdered hundreds of people, yes." Gevanni squints at him through the darkness, hoping to see a sign of repentance, horror; even just apprehension. But of course, there's nothing. Mikami is still trembling a little, but Gevanni can just make out a smile on his face.
"I was... I was God's hand... struck them down... I judged..."
"No! You were manipulated by a psychopath who wanted to set himself up as a god!"
"Prove it!" Mikami yells back. "You hated Kira, you admitted it! Kira asked me to help him and gave me the power to judge. Nothing you've told me makes me doubt him so far!"
"All right, how about this, then? You'd come there to kill me and everyone else involved in looking for Kira." Gevanni doesn't care about holding back information now; he's just sick of Mikami's blind, ridiculous loyalty. "You tried to kill all of us, and you know what? It didn't work. The power failed you because we'd got there first. We'd planted a fake weapon instead of the real one you needed. You stood there waiting for us all to die and nothing happened and neither Kira nor you could do anything. Then we arrested you, we took the weapon off you and handcuffed you and your god didn't do a thing to stop us."
"That - that proves nothing! All it shows is that you're a sinner and a, a criminal and you have been all along! And it - it can't be true, anyway. I would have remembered something so - like that!"
"It's true," Gevanni says, "because of the weapons the two of you had been using to kill. We took them off you and we destroyed the one you'd owned. A side-effect of that is that the owner loses all memory of ever having had the thing and everything connected with it. Seeing as you've been using it to kill for weeks, it's not surprising your memory's full of gaps."
He expects Mikami to disregard such a crazy story, but he doesn't; he seems to calm a bit, nods: "Oh. Oh, yes... of course, then you could not be detected by the evil ones... of course it would be set up that way." Then, nervously: "Can I... will the memories come back?"
"No, I don't think so. As I understand it, you'd get the memories back if you got the weapon back, but it's destroyed, so... so they're gone for good."
Mikami goes very quiet. Gevanni takes the opportunity to start the car again, pull back onto the road. He's calming down now, the anger replaced by the usual post-shouting-match emotions; embarrassment, faint suspicion that perhaps you aren't entirely in the right. Still, things can't get much worse, can they? Well, they can, but Mikami hasn't trusted him an inch since they met, so no real harm's been done. Except for Mikami trying to throw himself under a car. Oh, hell.
"Yes, I lied to you," he carries on. "We never spoke before all this started. I was following you to keep tabs on you, and then when Takada broadcast my details I needed to keep you with me."
"Why?" Mikami is pale and he's picking at the dressings on his throat, but his voice is quiet again.
Gevanni shrugs. "I didn't want you talking to hospital staff about things you did remember. Or to Kira. He'd only make you trust him again, after all. Not to mention he'd -" He stops. No need to tell Mikami about the Eye deal. "You're a resource we don't want him to have."
"But now you have me to guard," Mikami says. "You haven't stopped to sleep because you're scared of what I might do to you. I've been mentioned on the news, and with - with this -" Shadows shift as he indicates his wound. "People will recognise me, and then they'll capture you."
Gevanni doesn't bother answering.
"Are you scared I'll tell Kira where you are?" Mikami carries on. He sounds tired, and hopeless, and like someone discussing a puzzle they don't really care about. "But you just keep running, at the moment, and you haven't told me where you're going. You could stop now and let me out, and then you could keep going on your own."
Gevanni snorts. "Is that what you want? To get dumped on the side of a freeway in the dark? Not to mention it's freezing out there."
"I'm not... I'm not making a request so much as I'm trying to understand why you're insisting on keeping me with you."
"I told you, because I want to keep you away from Kira!"
"But why is that worth so much trouble to you? What would I do that means you have to risk this? I... I have no power to judge anyone at the moment."
Gevanni can't think what to say. He's pretty sure spelling out you're a murderer and need to face justice isn't going to help the atmosphere. But Mikami is already continuing, "I... I want to know why I am here. And - and what you're going to... I mean, when this is over..."
"It may not end up being over. If they hunt us down, I'll be dead and you'll get to go back to your god and throw your life away for him again."
"And if that doesn't happen?" Mikami says coldly. "If you destroy Kira and the world returns to the sinful mess it always was? Then what happens to me?"
Gevanni stares ahead. The road feels almost like it's moving on its own, like him and the car aren't doing anything. Mikami's not stupid. Hell, the guy is a top-class lawyer. He knows as well as Gevanni does that there's no way the crimes he's supposed to have committed can be brought to trial. Gevanni tells himself there isn't any need to spell it out, but a small, bitter voice at the back of his mind says, it's not like any of his victims got a fair trial either, is it? I know that better than anyone -
"I don't understand what you want from me, Gevanni-san."
So you're just doing this for revenge? Even though it's making things harder for you?
"I don't want anything from you." He sounds defensive. "I'm keeping someone I know has murdered a large number of people in custody and stopping him getting in touch with the guy who's trying to kill me. The fact that you saw the bastard for what he was and you decided you'd rather die than keep helping him is irrelevant, mainly because I know you don't believe me." He wonders if that even was the reason for Mikami's suicide attempt; the guy could've just chosen to act as a distraction in a typically extreme way. But it's not like anyone's ever going to know the truth of that. "Look... if I end up surviving this, I'll do my best to help you. If you flee now, my colleagues and the Japanese task force will assume you're still on Kira's side."
"Why would you assume I'm not?"
"Because he isn't your god." Gevanni tries to sound sincere rather than frustrated. It's not easy. He feels almost like he's talking into darkness, like the darkness is absorbing his words and there's no one else listening at all.
"So you've said."
"Look -" If this doesn't work he isn't sure what he's going to do, and he doesn't know why he's so desperate to stop Mikami returning, he's forgetting already what he was originally thinking - just - if I wanted revenge, I'd let him go back - Yagami will take his lifespan for the Eyes and then probably stick him in the firing line when it suits - "If Kira's your god, Kira will triumph, right?"
"Yes."
"So, if you remain here with me, and he triumphs, that proves it. Then I'll be dead and you can go back and pledge loyalty to him and all that... and all that stuff. If you remain here with me and he isn't your god, then you've avoided making the same mistake twice, becoming a - a follower of a false god. And I'll know I can stick up for you, I can explain to people how you just wanted to do good and were lied to. Whereas if you go back, aren't you risking a hell of a lot more if he turns out to be false?"
A long pause.
At last Mikami says, "You will let me listen to everything Kiyomi Takada says. Anything on the news."
"Yes."
"If I realise Kira is the true god and I should return, you will let me go."
"I - all right. I won't take you back, but... but I won't stop you leaving."
"You won't tell me more lies."
"I'll do my best not to."
Mikami nods. "Then I'll remain with you while I... while I still... need to think." His hand brushes his throat again.
"Swear by your god."
"What?"
"Swear by your god you'll remain with me while you're unsure," Gevanni says, feeling as if he's wrenching the words out of a deep black pit inside himself. "And - and that you won't hurt me or kill me, or yourself. And that you won't contact anyone else, or take control of our journey while I'm asleep. I want to keep out of Takada's way. If - if you want to leave, you can go. You can walk away and neither of us will... I mean, it's a truce."
Mikami is silent for even longer this time, and Gevanni wonders if he's pushed him too far, but at last the other man says, "I swear. I swear in God's name."
"Thank you. I..." And he fully intends to carry on talking, but when he looks into his mind to see what words are there, there's nothing. And when he comes back to reality, Mikami is talking, he is saying, "Gevanni-san, you need to stop and sleep. You have to."
"I'll... I will." Shit, did he just doze off for a few seconds? The shock of that makes him jittery, slightly more awake - awake enough at any rate to pull off the freeway, park on a deserted stretch of road. Stop. His hands are trembling a little.
"I can remain in this seat," Mikami says. "I have things I want to think about."
Gevanni nods, takes the keys out of the ignition, crosses round to the back seats. Stuffing the keys into an inside pocket, he does his best to run through anything he needs to keep hold of, keep an eye on. He probably forgets something, but in the end, when he's sprawled out on the seats, breathing in the smell of upholstery, feeling as if he's sliding slowly backwards into the dark, he can feel the keys and his gun digging into his ribs, comforting in their awkwardness. His last conscious thought is to wonder why Mikami didn't elicit a promise from him to be let go if Kira lets him down.
ooo
Matsuda is back at home. He went back home because he realised he forgot his phone, and he needs it because otherwise they'll find him. He thought he'd be able to sneak in on the subway in the middle of the day but when he gets to his apartment block, the woman from the ground floor apartment is there, and she starts shouting at him because he didn't tidy up before he went away. He tries to explain that he had to go in a hurry but she just keeps yelling at him that he's just no good, he's just lazy, until he yells back at her to shut up, and shoves out at her. And then everyone else is coming out of their apartments and horrified at what he did and he tries to explain but then he remembered he was supposed to be sneaking in, and it's no good, everyone's seen him, someone will call NHN and just like that, he's ruined everything -
And somehow the terror tears open a gap in the world and he's lying flat, he's, he's opening his eyes, and the room is dark and still. It was a dream. The room is dark and still and next to him, half-over him, breath tickling his neck, is Ide, breathing slow and rough.
Matsuda feels his heart still pounding, quick and loud in his ears, and feels almost as if it should be waking Ide it's beating so fiercely.
It was a dream, you idiot. Nothing to worry about - everything's okay - really -
Except that they are on the run and he will be killed if anyone recognises him and he did proposition a male colleague last night and made himself look so stupid that he shrivels up inside a little just thinking about it now. Thought he was the experienced one, the, let's say it, the cool one, had always enjoyed how Ide could never make him feel really small because there was always romance as a comeback - and what happens now? Can't get anything right, look so desperate -
Except that Ide had gone with it, in the end. Matsuda almost wishes he hadn't because now, if anyone else ever finds out, it won't just be all I was drunk and kissed him but I was just really confused, it'll be I made out with him and got off on it and he let me just because he felt sorry for me. Of course maybe it wasn't just that. Maybe Ide was more scared about what had happened before that, about them almost writing down Raito's name, and wasn't able to think properly, had been shocked enough not to have the energy to pretend he didn't like making out with guys. But no one is ever, ever going to know about them almost writing down Raito's name, so it doesn't help.
Matsuda turns his head, spots by the time on the TV that it's about five a.m. Normally he welcomes extra hours in bed, in the warm, but, but he can tell he's not going to go back to sleep now, his thoughts are pacing up and down and he feels kind of sick and kind of hungry and generally too aware of reality. If Ide were awake then...
If Ide were awake then they'd have to talk to each other. Yeah.
It seems a little desperate, right? Even for you?
Shut up, Matsuda thinks at him, give it a rest, you weren't any better, you liked it as much as I did and - he was just scared and tired and sick of thinking about Raito hating him and so, so sick about what they nearly did -
Why is it bothering you? his mind is whispering. If Ide wrote it down, we'd all be safe, we could go home - it's the only way out, you know it is -
Matsuda hears himself breathe in sharply like he's just stubbed his toe and is trying not to yell. He's not going to think like that. He's just not. Aizawa said, if they write down Raito or Takada's names they'll be just like them. So that's it. They're going to do the right thing and... so something will help them out, if you do the right thing then you get to go home...
Except that he knows how stupid that is. He knows how childish he's being. And he has an awful feeling that really, there are only two options. Kill Raito, or give themselves up. And - and he can't -
He can't think about this any more. He sits up, tries to ease himself away without disturbing Ide. He thinks he's got away with it when suddenly Ide shifts, rolls over a bit. Matsuda jumps, but Ide doesn't scowl at him or even seem bothered by where he is, he only mumbles, voice dry and far away, "What time is it?"
"Five a.m. I'm going to - go get some fresh air, okay? I'll come back - wake you in an hour -"
Ide mutters something that might be Sure, and pulls the covers over himself again. Matsuda dresses in the dark, trying not to walk into anything, and steps out into the corridor. The lights are on, as they've been all night. It makes him feel weird, like perhaps it is still last night and he'll run into himself and Ide walking back upstairs, before everything suddenly got even worse.
A sudden blow of anger at himself, like someone's hit him in the throat. How can you fuck up this badly? Just for a moment, then it goes. He swallows, and hurries on down the stairs. The building's silent, just the hum of heating. Like people breathing. Like the entire place is full of sleepers and it's just him out here and he's actually safe for once. He knows that's a stupid thing to think, he knows you should never assume anything is safe, but it would be so good to believe it. It isn't like he knows what he'd even do if someone did suddenly appear and accuse him of being who he is.
He's downstairs now. No one on duty. The dining room is locked and empty, floodlight from outside falling on bare tables. The air's chilly down here, so it's probably even colder outside. Not to mention he'll look suspicious standing around in a car park doing nothing. There's a battered red sofa in the corner, a table with an ashtray and some newspapers, and he sits down and then he sees the computer terminal and the sign for Internet access.
It's something normal to do, plus it's something that the other two would think was a waste of time. And so he walks over to it and switches it on. The monitor is big and all white plastic - it reminds him of computers at college, or at his first job. That's comforting, too.
He starts off by checking the news sites, figuring if he doesn't do it first then it'll just feel worse when he finally gets up the guts. NHN is still filled with appeals and photographs of Kiyomi Takada looking concerned, and of Aizawa's wife crying in the NHN studios. The other sites are careful, trying not to say anything anti-Kira about what's going on. Many are carrying news of murders and armed robberies and vandalism, and at one point Matsuda finds himself looking at a graph demonstrating the sharp rise in crime since 28th January.
It isn't like what they're doing now is even helping people. All it's doing is saving the lives of a bunch of criminals whose lives don't deserve to be saved, isn't that it? Matsuda knows as well as anyone that when you do the wrong thing, you usually know it's wrong because everyone is mad with you and you're in a hell of a lot of trouble. Raito is smarter than any of the task force, and L and Mello and Near were just all obsessed with wanting to win. Raito is doing what he thinks is best, and Matsuda knows the guy is crazy but... how do we know we're - how do we know we're not meant to be -
Raito is screaming, clutching his bleeding hand with white-knuckled fingers, pain tightening his face, and the smell of blood and smoke sticks in Matsuda's throat. Kira is righteous! Kira is needed!
Matsuda wonders what would have happened if he had done what Raito said, turned round and shot at the SPK, at Aizawa and Ide and Mogi, at Near. They'd probably have shot back. Either way, he'd end up dead. And he wasn't going to think about that. Raito was trying to kill Near, that's a definite, and would have killed everyone else too. And killing people is wrong. That's the point. And you can't start asking questions like this now, not in a hotel foyer even if there is nobody else here, the point is that stuff is how it is now and you just have to deal with it, you just have to cope.
All at once, he'd rather be back upstairs having to talk to Ide about what they did last night.
He makes himself breathe out, slowly, and, clammy-handed, he navigates away from the reputable news pages and over to the biggest Kira-supporter site. You get a lot of lunatics posting there, and reading through usually reassures him that he's made the right choice after all. Well, sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't - he reads horrible posts in which someone describes cleanly and simply what someone did to them and how Kira squashed that someone out of existence and Matsuda always thinks well, you would, wouldn't you, someone who did that, people like that, who don't care, they don't deserve to live -
At the moment, of course, there isn't much of that. All the most recent posts are, tangentially or explicitly, about him. On one thread, people are sharing sightings, which makes him jump so that the chair creaks, but when he reads through it looks like no one's actually picked up on them. A lot of people are still looking out for four Japanese and two Americans travelling together, or are posting about people they know who have similar names, or are claiming to have spotted Hal Lidner on her own, probably because she's the only one with a confirmed identity. And there are probably loads of message boards like this, loads of people trying to come up with something to say. It's practically impossible that anyone would pick up on the truth, even if they were spotted. But there are calls for hotel staff and motorway toll station operators and railway workers to come forward and speak out and keep their eyes open. Matsuda finds himself glancing around the shadowed lobby, looking for someone watching, someone working out why he's looking at the things he is. Of course, there's no one there, but he still feels like someone's standing just behind him, just out of his line of sight.
He carries on browsing, trying to think of this as objective observation, police information-gathering. The site is so well-known as the place for Kira supporters that there's constant trolling, argument, and rambling rants from people on one or the other side of the issue. Right now even most of that is about him. Hey, I'm famous at last! Except it's not actually that funny. He keeps scrolling down, and now he's just skim-reading, only vaguely registering the constant repetition of his own name sitting in the middle of a list, as if people are trying to kill him by writing it down wherever they can - they know it, everyone knows it -
And then suddenly not. His surname, but Matsuda followed not by Touta but by Akihiro. His father's name. The commenter is one of the religious nutcases going on about the sins of the parents being visited upon the children, but they've left a link to a newspaper article. Matsuda clicks. It's just another summary of the situation. Except that in the second-to-last paragraph, there's something else. Akihiro Matsuda, father of one of the fugitives... They're going on about how he's in the NPA too, making it sound like this is suspicious on several levels, like the entire organisation is corrupt or something. Matsuda pictures his dad reading this sort of stuff, knowing that people are talking about him, spreading rumours, and he's about to hit the back button until he sees the quote ending the paragraph.
"I am concerned for my son's safety. I cannot comment on what he is said to have done, but I think he is at grave risk of being attacked by vigilantes, rather than receiving a fair trial as is his right as a Japanese citizen. Takada-san should be ashamed of her attempts to whip this country into hysteria, and I sincerely doubt Kira would want us to descend into mob violence.
"I believe that the police do not have a moral duty to hunt for these people until they have been fully appraised of their crime. To my knowledge, this has not been done."
The families of the other accused were not available for comment.
Matsuda stares and stares and rereads until his eyes ache. He may have said to Ide that he thought Dad would be pleased at being proved right about the dangers of the Kira case, but that was kind of a joke; he knows Dad will in fact be furious at how much his younger son has messed up this time and how he could have avoided this if he'd only listened and been a bit more mature... They'd gone past actually talking about the Kira case and Matsuda's involvement in it by this point. Dad had called him at New Year's, ostensibly to send good wishes, but when those good wishes are given in the form hopefully this year you'll be a bit more sensible and try thinking ahead for a change you know what they really mean. Matsuda likes New Year's normally and he didn't see why he had to put up with Dad trying to ruin it for him, even if he was spending it working, so he dared to reply Hey, I'm hoping I'll be a hero by June! You shouldn't be so quick to write me off, you'll want a share in my glory when the time comes. He knew it would piss Dad off and it did; his father had snapped at him you really don't have a clue about real life, do you? For god's sake - and then rung off, as though he'd been about to say something even more grumpy.
And okay, in private Dad is still probably grumpy and will be all you idiot, how could you let this happen, but he's said to a bunch of reporters that he thinks this is wrong and hasn't even said once that it's Matsuda's own fault he's in this much trouble. And Raito knows Dad's name and face, has always known it, and it's obviously stupid to speak out on the record against Kira and Takada and Dad doesn't do stupid stuff, that's my area, and, and damn it, he can't break down now, not here -
All at once, he's actually tired. He closes the windows, shuts down the computer again.
The next hour or so passes in a sleepy blur of cold water and dawn light and black coffee. When they're in the car, Ide's driving; Aizawa, still looking exhausted, is slumped in the front passenger seat. Matsuda tells himself that he doesn't care, that he'll get to stretch out and sleep in the back. Suddenly he wishes he had said something to Ide about last night, even just we were real idiots, huh? But Ide had looked tired too and they'd both been busy getting ready and then they'd met up with Aizawa and the opportunity had been lost.
They've been on the road for about half an hour when at last Aizawa sighs and says to Ide, "You checked the news?"
"Didn't get time."
"I did," Matsuda says, trying to keep the satisfaction out of his voice. "I went online."
Aizawa snorts, like Internet-based news doesn't count, but Ide just says, "And?"
"And - and the NPA aren't... they haven't joined in with Takada yet. We're still okay for now." Not that their situation is okay by any stretch of the imagination, but it sounds better to put it that way.
Ide nods, glances at him in the mirror. Matsuda doesn't want to wait to see him blush or look awkward or just look away, so he turns his head at once, looks out at the banks of wet grass. His heart's pounding again.
"Some police officers are getting attacked," he says, scrambling for another piece of pertinent information, not wanting Aizawa to notice an awkward silence. "Like, Kira supporters who think the NPA should be doing more. Even traffic cops and stuff have been getting trouble."
"They'll give in soon." Aizawa's staring out of the window at the bleached-grey sky. "Takada's made accusations, after all."
Matsuda remembers what his dad said, thinks of a fair trial, and, swallowing, makes himself ask, "You think they'll just... hand us over to -"
"What else are they going to do?" Ide says. "There's clearly something going on. And you know what they're like when it comes to Kira. Protocol gets... reshaped, to do what's necessary. The only reason they haven't acted yet is that Kira's held off on killing the top brass."
Silence. Matsuda wants to ask the other two what it would take for them to give in; how bad the threats to family need to get. Or if Raito manages to catch up, says he'll kill us if... But then he thinks that that last one doesn't matter. He'll kill them whatever happens. They all know too much, right? There isn't any point in expecting him to be merciful. He needs them dead, and suddenly the smell of the car and the roar of the engine and the feel of the sweat on Matsuda's palms are all swallowed up by the realisation that he's going to be killed -
"The only thing keeping us alive," Aizawa is saying, dull, quiet, "is that we know where the notebook is and he doesn't. That's all."
Shut up, Matsuda wants to yell, just shut up, like Aizawa's exaggerating or just trying to annoy him. Of course, he doesn't. He stares down at his feet, at his scuffed shoes and the lid of a coffee cup next to them. It seems so wrong that there's a world which happily sells you coffee and simultaneously stands back and lets you get killed. He doesn't know why this should be such a surprise to him, but somehow it is.
They stop at a service station an hour or so later. Aizawa gets out without looking at either of them, slams the car door behind him hard. Ide doesn't move.
"You should stretch your legs while you can," he says to Matsuda.
"So should you."
Ide shrugs, and at last he climbs out of the car, and they stand leaning against it. They don't walk anywhere; there's nowhere but the station forecourt and surrounding patches of muddy ground. Their breath clouds in the air. Matsuda remembers being a little kid and pretending to smoke on cold days.
Ide is frowning, but as Matsuda looks at him he glances over as well, and they both look away. Matsuda can still remember how it felt, what they did, what they sounded like, and he understands, now, why getting friendly with people you work with is supposed to be a bad idea. People you've seen being snappy because they're stuck on a report, or asleep and snoring on a sofa, or just - just not caring what you think of them - you can't look at them the same afterwards. You can't act the same. Although with everything going to hell, perhaps he wouldn't be acting the same anyway.
It doesn't matter. It's not going to go any further, that's what Ide said to begin with. It just happened and that's it, because they were scared. Now Matsuda's going to be braver, and so there won't be any more need to do something so stupid.
"Maybe the police won't give in," he says.
"We're not exactly acting like people who've got nothing to hide," Ide says. "And even if we told the police everything, it'd probably only get us killed faster."
"It might -" Matsuda swallows. "Some reporter spoke to my dad. They quoted him and everything."
"Oh, yeah? What did he say?"
"He said he thought Takada was being irresponsible. And... and I should get a fair trial." Matsuda tries to grin, but it doesn't seem funny any more.
"Still thinks you've done something wrong, though."
"Well, NHN keeps calling me a criminal - anyone would wonder, right?" Matsuda wraps his arms round himself; the air's clammy. "But - I mean, my dad's pretty traditional. If he thinks there's something dodgy about all this, then maybe other people would too. Other police officials, anyway. The Chief wouldn't - wouldn't have -"
"What are you trying to say?" Ide says, but he speaks sharply, like he thinks Matsuda's actually come up with something.
"I don't - I don't know. Maybe, just... just - I mean, Raito doesn't want people to know about the notebook either, I bet. He doesn't want people to know that he needs a particular object to kill. I don't know, I just mean maybe we could... if we found a payphone, then we could..."
Ask for help, he wants to say, but doesn't.
"It's risky," Ide says. "If we get in contact with someone and they've set up a trace..."
"But if we call Dad at work, then there's no way he'll have let NHN do that. The police aren't involved yet, so - I mean, if there was someone we could trust, then -" Matsuda is suddenly desperate to try, they don't have to kill anyone, they don't have to die, it could all end -
"We'll ask Aizawa," Ide says. "It's his call too."
"I... yeah."
Silence again. Matsuda can feel the air waiting for one of them to change the subject. To say look, about last night. But he's not going to be the one to do it. For one thing, he doesn't know what he'd say.
"Why did you feel the need to go on the Internet at five a.m., anyway?" Ide asks.
"I didn't... I just... I just wanted to see what people were saying. Like... people online."
"People online don't tend to say much worth listening to, in my experience."
"I know, but you... get an idea of what people are thinking. And - and it tells you more than the TV does." Matsuda's fingers are cold now. He curls his hands into fists, stares down at the grimy patches of frost on the ground. And all at once he's hearing himself saying chirpily I'll never betray you, Raito, and Raito just listened and stupid, so stupid, why do you always want people to -
Aizawa returns with three cups of coffee and a faintly truculent expression. Ide explains Matsuda's suggestion - Matsuda wishes he'd presented it as his own idea, but Aizawa doesn't immediately shoot it down, he just frowns, and then, as they climb back into the car, he says, "It's risky."
"Anything we do is risky," Ide says. "But if they trace us to this place, we can, I don't know, we can change our route. We're not aiming for anywhere."
"You think your father would see our point of view?"
Matsuda swallows. "Well... it sounds like he sort of does at the moment." He doesn't say if he decides we are criminals, he's not going to turn a blind eye. It's still better than most of the alternatives. Of getting caught. Or of using the notebook.
"You'd better be sure," Aizawa says. "You're the one who knows him best. If it all goes to hell -"
"I don't think it will. I don't."
Ide glances at him, but doesn't say anything.
"All right, then," Aizawa says. "Go ahead."
There's a payphone not far away, round the side of the service station building. Matsuda goes there alone - he can see Ide and Aizawa glancing at him from the car. If he got found out, could he run back there in time? Would they even wait, or would they just speed out of there? Aizawa and Mogi are the ones who know where the notebook was hidden, they're the ones who really need to keep moving -
His fingers are so cold it's hard to feel the numbers as he dials. He memorised a few key phone numbers a while back, because he was bored of all the games on his mobile and he was trying to think like a secret agent. The phone smells of sweaty metal, like coins in your hand. There's a metal shade round it, and the forecourt's pretty empty - the few people who are out are hurrying, not wanting to stay in the chilly air - but even so, if someone stood close to him they'd hear everything.
Well, I'm just going to have to sound not suspicious, then, aren't I?
As it rings he thinks about how funny it will be if no one answers, how he'll make a joke and the other two will snap at him, how -
"Akihiro Matsuda speaking."
Matsuda's mouth goes dry. There's no one around; the last driver slams his car door and starts the engine.
He swallows, and manages to say, "It's - it's me. Touta." Stares round at the tarmac, the soggy crisp packets in the long grass, the oil stains. If he sees someone running towards him - just drop the phone and run - but what if it's a mistake, what if he gives himself away for no reason -
"You -" A deep breath, then, very quietly, his dad says, "Are you all right? What's going on? What the hell did you do?"
"I didn't - I'm sorry - " Matsuda takes a deep breath. "I can explain. I saw they'd quoted you, in the news I mean, and I thought -"
"I want you to tell me what you've done."
Matsuda remembers similar conversations in his childhood, when he'd been caught drawing on the walls or fighting with his brother. He never dared try and bluff it out and lie, or if he did, Dad always worked out that he was lying. This isn't a lie, so it should be easier, right?
"We were trying to arrest Kira," he whispers, turning as well so that people can't see what he's saying. "It went wrong. Taki - Takada helped him escape. We managed to... to get hold of the thing that he uses to kill with. We hid it and... and he and Takada want it back."
Silence. On the other side of the forecourt, Ide and Aizawa are still watching; it's too far away to see their expressions.
"You're in a lot of trouble," his dad says at last.
"Yeah, I know."
"Where - no, you don't need to answer that. Why did you call me?"
"I... if, if they get the police involved then... then things will be really bad, right? You'll know who we are. You can track us more and everything. I wanted... I wanted to let you know we haven't - we haven't committed any crime. The - we're trying to stop people being killed. We don't have a choice." That makes him sound like he knew all along what he was getting into, that he's being heroic, willingly accepting the situation. It's completely not how he feels, but Dad probably knows that. And of course it doesn't take into account how he and Ide nearly wrote down a name last night, but they didn't, so it doesn't matter, does it?
A sigh. "You certainly don't now." Matsuda waits for the I knew this would happen, you should have listened to me, but it doesn't come. Neither, though, does don't worry, I'll sort this out.
"Do you know why the NPA haven't -" he begins. "I mean, are they -"
"As far as I know, no one's been given enough information that means they should act. A lot of people are assuming that if your faces are released to NHN, Kira will kill you. That doesn't sit well with - some people."
"I'm not asking you to help," Matsuda says. He sounds grumpy, but he knows what he really means is I'm scared, I didn't mean to let you down, but it wasn't my fault, please, help us - "I just - we thought people ought to know. I wanted you to know."
"I can't promise anything," Dad says. "But the NPA want information. They won't want to knowingly cause the deaths of innocent employees. I - I'll do what I can, you understand?" Which won't be much and Matsuda feels so stupid that he thought anyone would be able to do anything about this. (But why can't they? This isn't right, so why can't it be fixed?)
"You know I only have your story to go on," his father continues, "but NHN haven't given us anything better. I'll make sure people are aware of that -"
"It was NHN who kidnapped that girl!" Matsuda says, and wants to bite his tongue for not mentioning it earlier. "Takada did it to try and get Aizawa to give himself up. Can't you use that? That's actually a crime -" He tries to calm down, sound at least a little bit competent. "I mean..."
"I can't just accuse the country's primary broadcasting service and home of Kira's spokeswoman of kidnapping, no, if that's what you mean," Dad snaps. "But I can see what investigations are being made into the girl's disappearance. Point out, if necessary, whose culpability might be suggested."
Matsuda swallows. "Yeah. I know. Sorry. I... I'm not saying you have to... to do stuff just because I'm family. But... but we didn't do anything wrong." He tries to sound like he's confident about this, but his voice cracks a little. He's not at all sure that he hasn't done anything wrong. "I should... I should go, okay? Thanks for... thanks."
He's about to hang up, but Dad has already started speaking again: "Take care of yourself. And - thank you for calling. I've been concerned."
And that's it. There's no how could you be so stupid or this is all your fault or you should have listened to me. Matsuda makes himself say, "Right. Bye," like he's grown-up and normal and then he quickly ends the call before he does something embarrassing like starts crying or begging Dad to make everything okay or... or just something. Scurrying back to the car, the wind ruffling his hair and freezing the back of his throat, gives him a chance to get a grip, and by the time he's scrambling into the vehicle again he may not feel normal but he probably looks it, at least.
"Well?" Aizawa asks.
"He says... he says he'll do what he can." Matsuda stares down at his hands, breathes in the warmer air, which seems to taste of the inside of his mouth by now. "I think... I think he believed we hadn't done anything bad. That helps." He didn't say it was my fault. Part of him is ridiculously happy about that, relieved as if it genuinely was his biggest fear. But then the smart side of his brain knows what it really means. That this isn't about anything he's done on his own. That it's bigger than that. And that it's definitely not something a parent can fix.
"You know," Ide says to Aizawa, "perhaps we should try making some calls ourselves. We both know there are people who aren't pro-Kira even if they're not coming out and saying it."
"Yeah, but they're definitely not going to want to come out and say it now," Aizawa says. "I think we should drive on. Then we can see if that call's brought anyone down on our heads."
After a few seconds, Ide nods, starts the car again. Matsuda stares out of the window as the service station slips away.
One of the other numbers he memorised was Raito's. That'll still be in his phone, just lined up with his friends and family and colleagues and everyone.
Someone who hates you this much, someone who tried to kill you, someone you shot, shouldn't just have had their number in your phone like everything's normal. You shouldn't be able to call them. And you definitely shouldn't be thinking that maybe, if you just talk to them, if you just explain and say how sorry you are, they'll forgive you. You have to keep hating them and you have to know that they're beyond being able to do any good. But right now, Matsuda can't summon up enough anger to manage that. He is, all at once, just scared.
[Chapter 4 on Fanfiction.net]
[Chapter 4 on skyehawke.com[
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no subject
Date: 2011-11-07 11:19 pm (UTC)Loved it. Looking forward to seeing where it goes!
no subject
Date: 2011-11-08 01:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-08 05:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-08 05:16 pm (UTC)I agree with you, I don't know if Matsuda does *eyes him warily*
no subject
Date: 2011-11-09 02:07 am (UTC)And Matsuda, poor Matsuda. I'm just glad that his dad was more sympathetic than he'd anticipated.
And I think he and Ide need more cuddles.no subject
Date: 2011-11-09 08:24 pm (UTC)*hugs Matsuda*
I personally think this would solve a lot of problems.no subject
Date: 2011-11-09 11:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-10 12:56 pm (UTC)